


I found strength in you

by laddyqueen



Series: Tougher than Life [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff, F/F, Fluff, Minor Character Death, Slow Burn, but it starts out pretty fucking rough, but no one important dies, eventually this will be a love story, look who finally updated the tags a million years later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-17
Updated: 2016-09-07
Packaged: 2018-04-21 04:38:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 16
Words: 23,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4815356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laddyqueen/pseuds/laddyqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Clarke leaves Camp Jaha she finds a home in a small Grounder village.  Everything is ruined when the Ice Queen learns she is living there and attacks.</p><p>This is a prequel to After all this time...  Reading After all this time first is not going to be necessary as everything that takes place in this fic will happen before the beginning of that one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Finding a home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update 10/19/2015: I would just like to thank my amazing new beta Captain_Firefly for all of her amazing beta-ing. 
> 
> Additionally I will continue to update the chapters as she betas them as well as new chapters. 
> 
> Thanks again, hope you enjoy.

Clarke leaned against a tree outside Ton DC. She could hear the motion in the village and knew that Lexa was getting ready to lead her army away, to go home to Polis. She knew that Lexa would never regret her choice; just as she would never regret hers. They had both done what they needed to do to save their people, but that didn’t make any of it hurt any less. Clarke took a deep breath and turned her back on the village. She didn’t know where she would go, but she knew she couldn’t stay in Ton DC anymore than she could stay at Camp Jaha.

 Weeks passed as Clarke wandered through the woods; she didn’t think about where she was going, but rather, let her feet guide her. She was fighting every minute to survive, physically and mentally. She had assumed that as time passed it would have gotten easier, but it didn’t. The days were getting shorter and colder while the amount of game was decreasing.

 It had been days since Clarke had eaten when she gave up. She sat beneath a large tree, crying as freezing rain pelted her. She was cold, tired, hungry, and had no clue where she was. She didn’t even know which direction she had come from, to turn and go back to Camp Jaha. Her last thought before she fell asleep was that maybe all she was meant for was to lead the 100, and protect them, until the Arkers came down to lead them once again.

* * *

Clarke woke up in a warm tent. She sat up to find a cup of water on a small table next to her. She quickly grabbed it and began to gulp it down when she heard a voice.

 “ _Slowly, you don’t want to get sick,_ ” a large, ebony-skinned man standing in the corner said.

 Clarke lowered the cup from her mouth and looked over at the man. “I’m sorry, I only speak English, I’m…”

 “Clarke kom skaikru, sorry, I should have realized. I said to drink slowly or else you will make yourself ill.” The man approached her and refilled the cup. “Are you hungry, Clarke?”

 Clarke nodded as she took another small sip of the water. The man disappeared and returned a few minutes later with a loaf of dark, grainy bread.

“You should be able to keep this down.” he said as he ripped off a chunk and handed it to Clarke. “Remember, slowly.”

 “Thank you. What is your name?” Clarke asked, as she nibbled on the bread.

 “I am Coda, the healer for this village. It is small but it is home,” Coda replied, and ripped off a second piece of bread for himself. He sat down in a chair ,across the tent from the cot Clarke was in, and ate quickly while Clarke ate and watched him.

 When Clarke finished eating, she drank the rest of the water and drifted off to sleep. When she woke again Coda was no longer in the tent. Instead there was a young woman with skin dark like Coda’s. She introduced herself as Mara, Coda’s daughter. Clarke could see a resemblance between the two, both in their physical appearances and in the way they conducted themselves. Mara disappeared and returned with her father and a bowl of hearty stew that Clarke gladly accepted. After she had finished eating, Coda offered her a tea, which she accepted.

 “What is the tea for?” Clarke asked as she sipped it.

 “Restoring strength,” Coda said, simply, as he cleaned up the dishes from her dinner.

 The next day Clarke was introduced to the village elders, Coda explained to her that they didn’t have one leader, but rather that all the oldest and most wise members of their village lead them, and that if she was to stay here, she would need their blessing and approval.

Clarke entered a large tent to find ten elderly men and women sitting in a semi circle, around a small fire. The first in the circle spoke when she entered: “You are Clarke kom skaikru, who brought the Mountain to its knees?”

 Clarke turned to face the man.

 “Yes.”

 The second member spoke. “You planned to fight along side our Heda until her betrayal at the door of the Mountain?”

 Clarke fought to keep her mind calm at such a causal mention of Lexa’s betrayal. “Yes.”

 The third spoke. “You fell from the sky where you were born and had lived up until that point?”

 “Yes.”

 The fourth. “You left your people, who you have sacrificed so much for, at the gate of your village after you saved them?”

 “Yes, but…” Clarke started to explain herself only to be interrupted by the fifth man.

 “You burned 300 warriors alive in a single blast?”

 “Yes.”

“You killed the boy you loved to buy your people a chance at freedom and peace?”

 “Yes.”

 “You learned to save the reapers, turn them back to men?”

 “Yes.”

 “You killed every spirit in the Mountain knowing that some were innocent?”

 “Yes.”

 “Do you regret it?”

 “No.”

 “Would you do it again?”

 “Yes.”

 After the tenth elder asked her question Clarke felt the mood of the room change. She looked from face to face, to find them all smiling back at her. The last time they spoke, they spoke as one. “Clarke kom skaikru, as long as you wish to reside here, this village is open to you.”

 “Thank you.”

 Clarke felt oddly light. It was nice to admit that, not only did she not regret any of the choices she had made since falling to earth, but that she would make them again. Yet she still was not ready to forgive herself for taking all those lives, she still wondered if there could have been another way, but she had taken a great step toward forgiving herself and for that, she was happy.  She smiled at the elders, wondering what she was supposed to say or do next. 

 The elder on the end spoke, answering her question. “If you wish to stay talk to Coda, he has offered you a place in his home.” With that, he and all the other elders stood, and left through the back of tent.

 Clarke found Coda in the healer 's tent. “I was told that you offered me a place in your home, if I wanted to stay. I have nowhere else to go, and clearly I can’t survive in the woods on my own, so if that offer is true, I would like to stay. I would like to learn your healing ways as well.”

 “I am glad that the meeting went well. It is true. I will show you to my home when I finish preparing this paste. I would be honored to teach you healing,” Coda said, never looking up from what he was working on.

 When Coda finished his work, he showed Clarke to his home, after dropping the healing paste off at another’s home. Clarke was surprised to see that they didn’t live in tents, like she had seen in Ton DC. The structures here were by no means the fortified building of old earth that she had seen in pictures on the Ark, but they where more then tents. Some of them where built into old earth ruins. Clarke noticed that the largest, strongest structure appeared to be shared by many families. Coda’s home was small, only a few rooms, but lovely. It was only he and his daughter, and now Clarke, living there, but it felt like more of a home to Clarke than any place she had every been. Clarke had her own room, with a bed and a chest that she quickly filled with clothes. She quickly got into the routine of helping with daily chores and cooking. She truly felt that this was her home.

 Over the next month Clarke worked along side Coda and Mara to learn to heal. She even showed them some of what she had learned on the Ark, or in her first days on earth. She observed the lives of the Grounders around her and realized that this was what Lexa had bought her people with that alliance, and what Clarke had bought her own people when she irradiated the Mountain. Clarke was genuinely happy for the first time in a very long time. She was truly living and enjoying life, but everything changed when the Ice Nation attacked.


	2. Cut to pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Ice Nation attack the village.
> 
> You also may have noticed that I made some changes to rating and warnings for this fic. I want to make sure that it is brutally clear that this chapter contains rape, blood, and violence. Also some self loathing. So sorry in advance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING. This chapter includes graphic descriptions of blood. It also includes rape and implied torture. So so sorry

It was a moonless night when the Ice Nation warriors showed up in the little village. Clarke was awoken by the sounds of voices outside the small house. She was getting up to investigate when Mara came into the room. She closed the door behind her and pushed Clarke’s heavy wooden chest in front of the door. “My father said to stay here. It is the Ice Nation. More warriors than we will be able to fight off. Staying in here will buy us some time.”

 Mara climbed onto the bed where Clarke was still sitting. Clarke could see the fear in Mara’s eyes, no matter how hard she tried to hide it from her, but Clarke herself wasn’t scared, though she thought she should be. She climbed off the bed and retrieved her gun that Coda had returned to her just a few days ago. She only had two shots but that was better than none.

 The two girls sat on the bed in silence for what seemed like hours before they heard voices outside the door. Clarke couldn’t understand most of what was being said; her Trigedeslang still horrible, but she did understand one word: her name.

 When they finally got the door broken down, Clarke shot the first two men through the doorway between the eyes. Mara gasped and hid her face behind Clarke’s back. A large woman with intricate braids stood in the doorway. “What do you want?” Clarke spat, not lowering the gun.

 “It is true what they say about you, Clarke of the Sky People. No wonder our dear Heda was so taken by you,” the women sneered as she stepped into the room. “You are smart, I’ll give you that, but if you had bullets left you would have shot me by now so, you can take off that mask. Do you know who I am?”

 “The Ice Queen,” Clarke state bitterly, before lowering the weapon. She had repositioned herself so that she shielded Mara’s body with her own. “And it is me that you want. Let Mara go. Leave this village and I will come with you willingly.”

 The Ice Queen laughed in a way that reminded Clarke of the crazed villains in the old earth movies she had seen on the Ark. “It is not that simple Clarke. Yes, it is your presence that brought me to this village over the others, but I need the whole village to remind Lexa of her place. She does not command me.” The Ice Queen turned to the two warriors behind her. “ _Get the other girl. Tie Clarke to the bed._ ”

 At her command, one warrior grabbed Mara by her head and pulled her away from the bed, as the other pinned Clarke to the bed and tied her wrist to either post, before moving to secure her feet in the same manner. The Ice Queen nodded in approval before turning her attention back to Clarke.

She pulled out a knife and began to cut Clarke’s clothing away, until Clarke lay naked and vulnerable. Mara whined in fear and Clarke spoke up to reassure her that everything was going to be okay.

 “Foolish, Skia prisa. Show Clarke just how okay everything will be?  _Make sure the blood covers the Skia prisa,_ ” the Ice Queen commanded, coolly taking a step back to admire her work.

 The warrior holding Mara walked her forward and leaned her over Clarke’s body, holding her head so that Clarke was forced to look at her face. He pulled out a knife and slowly slit the girls throat, splattering blood across Clarke’s chest and pulling a scream out of Mara. Clarke closed her eyes and bit her tongue; she refused to give the Ice Queen the satisfaction of her own scream. When Mara’s body was limp and drained the warrior tossed it to the side and returned to his post by the door.

 “Good. Now Trigan, have your way with her and spread the word, anyone who wants her can have her, but she is not to die,” the Ice Queen said, as she stepped over Mara’s body and out of the room.

_“_ _Gladly, ain kwin,_ ” the other warrior, Trigan, answered, as he began to disrobe.

* * *

Over the next week Clarke was fairly positive that she had been raped by every male Ice Nation warrior, and most of the females. Many opted to use objects they found about the village. They also had started to make small cuts on her body. She was still tied to the same bed and was lying in layers of her own filth. She could still feel Mara’s blood crusted to her face; though she knew at this point her own blood accompanied it. Some one came once a day to force-feed her bread and water, which most days she promptly threw back up. Clarke could hear the screams of others in the village as they were tortured. At least once a day the Ice Queen returned, to remind Clarke that she deserved this, and Clarke believed her: she deserved to suffer for every death she had caused. She had been foolish to think she could find happiness after what she had done.

 The next two weeks went by in the same manner. Clarke became numb to everything: the pain and the words of the Ice Queen alike. Each night, she wished that she would just die in that instant, end the suffering, but she knew that she would only be given that peace when her punishment was complete.

 About three weeks after the initial attack Clarke heard the distinct sounds of battle in the village around her. The warrior that was raping her in that instant looked up when he heard the change in the sounds coming from the village, but only grunted and continued. He was still on her when the door was forced open. Clarke felt the weight removed, before hearing the unmistakable sound of someone dying. The last thing Clarke remembered before blacking out was a familiar face hovering above hers.  

* * *

When Clarke came to, she was so dizzy she thought the whole tent was moving. It took her a minute to realize that the tent was actually a covered wagon, and was in fact moving. She turned to find Coda sitting next to her. She tried to open her mouth and ask him where they were but found her voice too horse to speak.

Coda offered her a water skin, which Clarke gladly accepted. “I snuck off during the battle to get a message to the Heda. She came and defeated the Ice Nation. Their Queen is dead. The Heda rides North to end this rebellion once and for all and install and new Queen.”

“Oh.” Clarke didn’t know what to say. Lexa had been there.

 “We are going to Polis, Lexa’s orders. There are only 12 survivors from the village, plus you. She will house them until they can make plans to live in another village, or find their own homes in Polis.” Coda took the water skin back from Clarke and handed her a pot of cream. “Rub this over your entire body, anywhere that you were injured. It will help speed healing and reduce the pain. I have other patients I must check on. I will leave the water, and bring food back later.”

 Clarke nodded as she watched Coda jump down from the slow moving wagon. She realized that she was naked under the thick layer of furs that covered her. She pushed them to the side and began to rub the cream over her entire body. She paused when she reach where her thighs meet, remembering all that had happened, but continued nonetheless. After the cream was applied, Clarke let herself cry.

 She woke up again to Coda bringing her food. She ate slowly, but still threw it back up. Coda took the dirtied fur ,and returned a few minutes later with a clean one, and a tea he said should calm her stomach. Clarke sipped at it slowly, before drifting back to sleep.

* * *

The journey to Polis took about a week. Clarke regained her strength slowly, but remained secluded from the others. It was her fault that the Ice Queen had attacked that village, that much she knew. She wouldn’t put these people through more suffering. Coda stayed by her side when he wasn’t helping the others, which was more and more. The nausea Clarke had never really went away, so Coda continued to make her tea to help calm her stomach so that she might keep some food down.

It wasn’t until they arrived in Polis on a moonless night that Clarke realized that she didn’t think she had gotten her period since before the attack. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again so sorry for how this chapter. Also Sorry about the wait. I struggled writing this chapter. 
> 
> It will get better from here, slowly. Clarke still has a lot of healing to do.


	3. Restoring Peace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa rides north to install a new Azgeda ruler.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some notes of things I realized I never addressed. The italics text is dialoge in trigedasleng. I will try to update at least once a week. This will vary some depending on how busy my week is in terms of exams and other class related things that I have to do. Most likely I will update on weekends or mondays as those are the days I don't have lab. 
> 
> This chapter follows Lexa to The Azgeda Royal City. We also get some insight into Lexa's past (all made up by me of course. ;) )

Ryder rode a few feet behind Lexa, staring at the back of his Commander’s head and wondering what she was thinking. Lexa hadn’t said a word since she commanded a third of her army to escort Clarke and the other survivors back to Polis and set them up living in the Commander’s guest home. Ryder frowned. They had been riding for hours without a break for either horse or warrior, and Lexa showed no sign of stopping. He didn’t dare speak up when she was in full Heda mode. Lexa had been enraged when she heard about the attack and slightly more upset when Coda admitted that Clarke was there, but when she found Clarke, and saw what the Ice Queen had done to her, Lexa reached a whole new level of anger. She commanded that no prisoners be taken, that every Azgeda in the village be killed; she beheaded the Ice Queen herself. Ryder had hoped that the days ride from the ruined village to the Ice Nation royal city would bring Lexa back to sense, but at this rate they would get there by night fall, and he feared what Lexa might do. The Coalition would crumple if she slaughtered an entire clan, regardless of reason.

 

 " _Stop. We will rest here for the night. In the morning we will ride to the city. We are not attacking the city. That is not our purpose. War is still avoidable. Anyone who cannot see that can leave now.”_  Lexa commanded before climbing off her horse.

 Ryder continued to watch Lexa as she helped make sure camp was set up. He had known her since she was a young girl and had watched her grow into an amazing leader. He should never have doubted her judgement. He sat around a fire, only a few feet from where Lexa had set up her tent, with some of the other warriors, waiting for the small hunting party to return.

  _“_ _What do you plan to do once we get there, Lexa?”_  The voice was one still unfamiliar to Ryder. When he looked up he saw it belonged to Echo, the once-Azgeda girl who had stayed in Polis as one of Lexa’s warriors to show her loyalty and appreciation to the Commander who saved her from the mountain.

  _“_ _Install a new leader. I will leave some of my warriors to oversee things and make sure peace holds. I will offer mercy to anyone who stands down and accepts the new ruler I install as the rightful Queen. Any who oppose this will face the consequences,”_  Lexa explained, as Echo sat down next to her. “ _They must learn to trust me and respect me as the Heda as the last Ice Queen never did. The new ruler will have to be someone I know to be loyal to me.”_

  _“_ _You aren’t implying that I should rule, are you? Yes my father was a respected adviser but...,”_  Echo began, only to be interrupted by Lexa.

_“_ _No, I was thinking your father or sister. They will not respect you as a leader, you have been away from them too long, and when given the choice you chose another clan over them. They would kill and overthrow you the minute we were gone, but your father was loved and fair. He would make a great leader,”_  Lexa explained, not looking up form the vines she was fiddling with in her fingers.

  _“_ _Relax, Lexa. Clarke will be fine; she is strong._ ” Lexa’s head snapped up at Echo's implication.

  _“_ _I am worried about tomorrow, not her,_ ” Lexa defended.

  _“_ _Oh please, Lexa. I knew you and Costia. I saw the way you looked at her, heard the way you talked about her, and most importantly, I was there for your initial reaction when the Queen sent you her head. It was the Queen’s treatment of Costia that caused my father to resign as adviser. Do you really think that after your actions yesterday there is still any doubt about the nature of your feelings for Clarke?”_  Echo lowered her voice so that only Lexa could hear her, knowing that she was testing the boundaries of the typically stoic leader. She had known Lexa before she became Commander. She and her sister would travel to Polis with her father when the Queen sent him in her place to a meeting or requested appearance. She meet Lexa shortly after she had meet Costia. Despite attempts to hide the relationship on the part of Lexa’s mentors, knowing that she would soon be the Heda, it was obvious that the two young girls were deeply in love. Echo had witnessed the disappearance of Costia when she went home to visit her dying mother; home to the very same village Clarke had been at when the Ice Queen found her. She had been in Polis when the Queens messenger brought Lexa Costia’s head and she had witnessed the changes in Lexa, from open and loving to closed off and objective. “ _Don’t you think its time that you stop hurting yourself and find happiness?”_

  _“_ _I wasn’t even involved with Clarke and the Ice Queen still hurt her. I don’t need to be told twice that love is weakness,”_  Lexa snarled.

  _“_ _Clarke would have been a target no matter what. She destroyed the Mountain, killed everyone inside to save only a few spirits. The Ice Queen saw her as a threat in addition to a way to hurt you. She probably would have just killed her if she didn’t think she could get under your skin by hurting Clarke. Lexa, I know that you know this isn’t your fault. You are too smart for that. Costia wasn’t your fault either. You didn’t kill her. She did. The Ice Queen did. Not you.”_  Echo grabbed Lexa’s chin and forced her face her. “ _Cos would want you to be happy. Even if it’s not with her, Lexa, I know that’s what she would want. You just achieved the greatest peace in our history and are about to restore peace among the 12 clans, again. You are a strong leader. The people expect you to have a strong pattern, to take advantage of the peace that you got for us_.”

  _“_ _Enough, Echo. Remember your place.”_  Lexa pulled her face from Echo's grasp, got up and stormed off, mumbling something about checking on the status of the hunting party.

  _“_ _You are brave, Echo kom Azgeda. She needed to hear that, but the only person who would have dared tell her is dead. I would not have the guts to speak to the Commander that way. I did not realize you knew the Commander before you joined her warriors,”_  Ryder said, catching Echo’s attention, who nodded. “ _You clearly hit a nerve or she wouldn’t have left. I hope she listens to you. I am tired of seeing her force suffering upon herself.”_

_“_ _She was so different before Costia. This isn’t her. This is a shell. It is harder to see everyday than I had imagined. I hadn’t seen her for years. After my father left the Queens service we didn’t have a reason to travel to Polis again. We almost stayed, but my mother was here, so we had to return.”_  Echo moved to help Ryder attend to the small fire.

 Lexa returned about an hour later, well after the hunting party had returned. Ryder reminded her that she should not go off on her own. She said that she hadn’t left camp. After she ate she retired to her tent for the night, telling her warriors that they should do the same soon. 

* * *

Lexa rose with the sun and woke camp shortly after. After a quick breakfast of cured meats the warriors tore down the small camp and the headed in the direction of the Azgeda royal city. The city was only a few hours ride from where they had rested. By the time they arrived the city was bustling with life. Children ran through the streets as their parents went about their business. When they noticed it was Lexa entering their city there was a variety of reactions. Many bowed their heads in respect, but other ignored their presence. Lexa felt the ever-present eyes on her more here then she did anywhere else she went; she hadn’t been back to this city since just after Costia’s death, to retrieve her body and make peace with the Ice Queen.

 

_“_ _Echo, come ride next to me and lead the way to your home,”_  Lexa commanded. Echo silently followed the order and lead Lexa and her army to the door of her old home.

 Echo's si _s_ ter, Tasha, was in the small garden out front when they arrived. She noticed Echo first and pulled her sister into a hug as she climbed off her horse. “ _Echo! Mother will be so happy to see you. What the hell! You get freed of the Mountain and don’t even come home to visit_.”

_“_ _I’m sorry, Tasha. But can we talk about this later? I’m not here for personal reasons_.” When Echo spoke she noticed her sisters eyes shift from her face to Lexa’s before she nodded in understanding. “ _Where’s dad?”_

  _“_ _Dad died while you were in the Mountain. I’m so sorry Echo.”_  Tasha resisted the urge to hug her little sister again. “ _Heda, welcome to our city and our home, would you like to come inside?”_

" _Yes Tasha. Thank you. It is good to see you again. I’m sorry to hear about your father, I hadn’t realized he had passed,”_  Lexa nodded. She had heard little of Echo’s family since Costia’s death and Echo hadn’t told her much in the time she had been one of her warriors. Lexa turned to Ryder. “ _Echo and I will go in and talk to Tasha. The rest of the warriors are under your command. I will be fine, Ryder. If I want to achieve true peace with the Azgeda I must show them that I trust them.”_

Ryder nodded hesitantly, not liking the idea of letting Lexa into the Azgeda home without a guard, but knowing that she was right. With tha,t Lexa turned to follow Tasha inside, with Echo trailing behind her.

 When they entered the small home Tasha led them to a room where an aging women rested in a cot. When the woman noticed the Commander’s presence she tried to stand. “ _It is alright Thena, stay in bed,”_  Lexa said, glad she could remember the older woman’s name. They had only met once, when Lexa had stopped to visit Echo and Tasha on her only other trip to the Azgeda royal city.

The woman nodded and looked questioning from Lexa to Tasha before turning her attention to the Echo, who was standing in the doorway behind Lexa. “ _Echo, is that really you?”_

  _“_ _Yes mom. It’s me. I’m sorry I didn’t come home sooner.”_  Echo stepped around Lexa and approached her mother, who promptly pulled her youngest daughter into a hug.

  _“_ _I thought you were dead and that Tasha was lying about them saying you were alive. Your father would be so proud of you for choosing to serve Lexa over our Queen,”_  Thena said, releasing her daughter so she could rest against the cot again.

 “ _Mother, you shouldn’t say things like that about our Queen,”_  Tasha snapped at Thena, who only scoffed and rolled her eyes.

  _“_ _The Ice Queen is dead. She broke the peace treaty of the Coalition and suffered the consequences, that is why I am here,”_  Lexa spoke up, and paused to give Tasha and Thena time to process that information. “ _I need to install a new ruler, one who I know is loyal to me, and will be a fair ruler.”_ Tasha blinked when she realized that Lexa was looking pointedly at her. “ _You mean me? I’m nobody. How could I rule?”_

  _“_ _You are not nobody. People know you through your father. He was a beloved advisor, far more loved then the Queen was. It is my belief that they will accept and respect you as a ruler. I plan to leave a small guard detail and a few advisors here with you to get you started as a ruler when I return to Polis in a week,”_  Lexa explained.

 Lexa and Tasha spent the rest of the day discussing the event at the village and planning for Tasha's rule and coronation. The Coronation was held on the night of the full moon, the day before Lexa, and the majority of her warriors, left to return to Polis. It was simple. Tasha swore to serve the people, to protect them, and to rule them justly in the name of the Great Spirit. The next morning she received a tattoo marking her as her people’s Queen.

 Lexa left the next day to begin the long, slow journey home; the journey to Clarke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized that I need a reason beyond Echo being loyal to Lexa after she freed her from the Mountain for Echo's sister to be loyal to Lexa as well a a reason for the Azgeda to respect Tasha was a ruler. Tasha and Echo's father was an advicer to the Ice Queen until he left her servce after she tortured and killed Costia. Their father was respected and loved adviser and would have made an ideal ruler, but he was old and ill and passed away leaving Tasha as heir to his household and now the throne.


	4. Learning to trust again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke lets Lexa in on her secert, and makes the first true step to forgiving Lexa and healing herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ha! bet you weren't expecting this so soon! But its shorter so if go done a little faster. Hope you enjoy.

Clarke lay awake in a small room in the house she had been told was the Commander’s guesthouse, for guests of the Commander to live in during their visits to Polis. She couldn’t help but wonder, if things had gone differently at the Mountain, and she had come to Polis with Lexa, if she would have stayed here. Clarke rolled on to her back, pushing thoughts of what could have been from her mind. Those thoughts didn’t matter now; she was ruined and broken. She didn’t deserve love or happiness. Clarke heard noise in the streets outside and got up to look out the window. She saw a familiar figure making its way toward the house; Lexa had returned. Clarke climbed back into bed and tried to get some sleep.

Clarke awoke the next morning with the sun. She knew that Coda would be awake and on his way to the healers tent so she quickly dressed and headed in that direction. Clarke had confided her secret in Coda and he had agreed to keep it quiet and continue to make her the stomach calming tea.

Clarke was surprised to find Lexa in the tent when she got there. Lexa turned when she entered the tent and nodded politely “I am glad to see that you are well Clarke.”

Clarke did her best to keep her expression neutral at the way her name sounded coming from Lexa’s lips. “ _Mochof, Heda.”_

Lexa blinked in surprised when Clarke spoke in her native language. She had always known that Clarke would learn to speak it but had imagined that it would be her that thought the blonde sky-leader the language. “ _I did not know you knew Trigedasleng.”_

“I’m learning, slowly. Is Coda here?” Clarke said, still not allowing herself to make eye contact with the Commander.

“He went to the supply tent but should be back soon,” Lexa answered, and fell silent. The silence that filled the tent was not pleasant. It was a silence thick with anger and tension, with what could have been, and with what was. It was a silence that Lexa couldn’t stand.

“The Ice Queen has been dealt with and a new ruler installed in her place,” Lexa began, hoping to the fill the silence with meaningless talk, but knowing this wasn’t what they needed. “I’m sorry, Clarke.”

Clarke turned to look at Lexa, truly look at her for the first time in a while. Even in the small healer’s tent Lexa looked smaller then normal without her armour and war paint, no weapon in sight. She was wearing simple trousers and a tight fitting top very similar to the one Clarke had been provided with, the only difference was that Clarke’s was dyed a dark blue and Lexa’s red. She looked so young, so normal. She also looked worried. “Sorry for what Lexa? For betraying me? For leaving me and my people to die? For forcing me to kill hundreds of innocent people? I know you aren’t sorry for that. I know you will never regret that choice, that you would make it again. So don’t tell me you're sorry like it will fix everything because my presence is making you uncomfortable. You don’t have to worry, I will be out of your hair as soon as Coda says I am well enough to leave.”

Lexa remained silent this time, knowing that pushing the issue would only make it worse. The silence was worse now. Clarke hadn’t said where she was planning on going when she left Polis but Lexa had a feeling it wasn’t home. She knew that Clarke wouldn’t be able to face them yet.

Coda entered the tent then and look between the two girls. He looked at Lexa and saw the way she glance at Clarke, and smiled. “Clarke, I am glad to see you up this morning. How are you feeling?”

Clarke’s eyes shot to Lexa briefly before answering. “Fine. I haven’t tried to eat anything yet.”

“Eat some bread while I finish the tea. Don’t feel bad if it comes back up, these things are normal, given the situation.” Coda didn’t take his eye off Clarke or acknowledge Lexa whatsoever until Clarke nodded and grabbed some bread from the table. “Lexa, feel free to stay and eat with us. I will prepare the tea you requested along side Clarke’s.”

Lexa walked over to the table Clarke was standing next to and grabbed a chunk of bread. She wondered why Clarke was here: she had figured she was just visiting a familiar face, but obviously there was another reason. Lexa pushed those thoughts from her head. She would respect Clarke’s privacy. The two girls finished eating in silence and drank their respective teas. When they finished they bid each other goodbye politely and went on with their days, not paying any attention to one another.

The next month continued this way. Clarke started her day in the healer’s tent. Most days she ran into Lexa at one point or another during the day. During these short meetings they would behave civilly but would go back to ignoring each other when they parted ways.

Things were going well in Polis. Echo had returned from the north to report that the Ice Nation was taking to their new Queen well. The 12 clans where experiencing the first true peace since the bombs, yet Lexa was more miserable then ever. She watched Clarke struggle through life within arms' reach. She wanted nothing more than to reach out and comfort the blonde. 

* * *

 

Clarke had been in Polis for a little over two months when Lexa cornered her to ask about her wellbeing. She knew that Clarke was still requesting treatment from Coda every morning, and that she was the only survivor from the village still living in Polis: everyone else had moved on. Clarke was in her room fixing a hole in a pair of her pants when Lexa found her.

“How are you today ,Clarke?” Lexa asked, cutting to the point, not wanting Clarke to avoid the topic as she had every other time Lexa had tried to bring it up.

“I’m fine, Lexa.” Clarke didn’t look up when she spoke. “I’m busy though and don’t have time for this.”

Lexa sat down next to Clarke and took the pants and needle from Clarke. “I know that something is wrong. Coda won’t tell me why you need his healings or what tea you are drinking. He said if you wanted me to know you would have told me. I can help you through this; I understand what you’re going through, Clarke.”

“You don’t Lexa. You think that you do, but you know nothing about me,” Clarke said, reaching to take her pants back from Lexa.

Lexa held the pants out of Clark’s reach and put them down beside her, having finished the small repair. “I know you blame yourself for what happened at that village. You think if you hadn't been there then the Ice Queen would have attacked a bigger village to send a bigger message. I’m sure she you told you that, but she lies and manipulates people, Clarke. Its not your fault.”

“Why else would she have attacked such a small village? I’m not an idiot Lexa, so stop lying to me,” Clarke all but yelled with tears beginning to fall down her face.

“It was Costia’s village, before she came to Polis to train,” Lexa said softy, finding herself yet again in a position where she felt that she needed to open up to Clarke. “She chose that village because she knew it would piss me off more then just an attack. I’m not even sure she knew for sure that you were there, or that hurting you would get to me. It was a coincidence, Clarke. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time, that’s it.”

Clarke grew silent as she took in this new information; the only sound in the room her soft sniffles. “They raped me, Lexa. I thought it would never end. I wanted it to end. Then it did, you ended it. Or at least I thought it had ended. But I’m pregnant. So it’s not over. It will never be over. I am being punished for my crimes by being forced to relive my torture everyday.” Clarke was weeping quietly at this point.

On impulse, Lexa pulled Clarke toward her and held her until she cried herself to sleep. When Lexa was sure that Clarke was asleep she picked up the blonde and moved her to the bed. Clarke stirred and mumbled something that sounded a bit like 'stay' in Trigedasleng, so Lexa climbed into the bed next to Clarke and pulled her close to her chest once again.

That was how Ryder found the two girls when he went looking for Lexa the next morning.


	5. Moving on is hard to do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa fall into a routine as Clarke learns more and more about Grounder culture. Lexa has trouble concealing her feelings for Clarke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise, surprise!! Three updates in one week... what?! I know trust me I am just as shocked with myself. What can I say am in a post exam lull with the amount of work I have for biochem, the sucker of free time. 
> 
> Anyways, Hope you enjoy!!

Clarke found it easy to forgive Lexa and begin trusting her again once she saw the way she interacted with her people from day to day. After Clarke told Lexa about her pregnancy the two girls began spending a great deal of time together. Lexa took Clarke to the market and showed her all of the things her people could make and sell. Clarke found that at the Commander’s side she was gifted many things. Lexa had insisted that Clarke move into one of the spare rooms of her home until after the baby was born, and Clarke, glad for the company, accepted the offer. 

Clarke had been living in the Commander’s home for almost a month when the rumours started. It was no secret that the Skia Prisa was living in the Commander’s home, but it wasn’t uncommon for the Commander to offer rooms in her own home to her long term guests. But then it began to be more obvious that Clarke was with child and people began to talk. Clarke did her best to ignore the additional attention while Lexa did her best to quiet the talk. 

Clarke was eating in the dining area of Lexa’s house, waiting for the brunette leader to finishing dressing. Lexa had promised to take Clarke to the beach to see the fishing ship that was meant to return that day. Clarke heard the door open and took her snack with her to the front hallway to see who was here. It wasn’t uncommon for Lexa’s closest advisers or personal guards to enter her home unannounced. Clarke was surprised to find Indra standing in front of her.

“Indra, I didn’t realize Lexa was expecting you. I’ll let her know that you are here?” Clarke spoke first, not knowing where to begin with a greeting.

Indra’s eyes darted from Clarke’s face down to the bump of her belly before she spoke. “That is alright, Clarke. I will go see her. She was not expecting me, an urgent matter brings me from Ton DC.”

At the mention of the village the terrors of the missile flashed through Clarke’s mind, terrors that she caused. She pressed her eyes shut and took a deep breath and tried to focus on something other than Ton DC. “No, I will get her. It's fine.” 

Clarke practically ran down the hall to the now familiar location of Lexa’s bedroom. She knocked on the door before entering, respecting the boundaries Lexa had set in place.

“ _Clarke, you can come in,_ ” Lexa yelled through the door. She had been trying to speak her native language whenever she could to help Clarke learn it. When Clarke pushed the door open and entered she found Lexa sitting in front of a full-length mirror braiding her hair. “ _Sorry, I’m almost done.”_

“ _Its alright. Indra is here,_ ” Clarke said, as she sat on the bed behind Lexa.

Lexa’s eyes shot up so she could see Clarke’s reflection in her mirror. Her heart jumped a little when she saw how naturally a pregnant Clarke fitted into her room, the most private part of her life. Lexa gathered her thoughts before she spoke, switching to English for ease of conversation.

“Did she say what she needs?” Lexa asked. It was odd for Indra to arrive unannounced.

“No, just that it was urgent. She didn’t look thrilled to see me here, especially considering,” Clarke gestured toward her stomach when she spoke.

Lexa finished her braids and walk over to Clarke and rested on hand on the small bulge of her belly. “ _Don’t worry about what Indra thinks. I will deal with her._ ”

With that, Lexa left, leaving Clarke confused. It had become clear to her over the last month that Lexa cared for her, maybe even wanted more then just the friendship that had reformed between. But it was also clear that Lexa remembered Clarke’s words after their kiss before the Mountain and would respect Clarke’s wishes. But sometimes it seemed like Lexa forgot this. They would share an intimate moment, one too intimate for “just friends”, but Lexa would pull away and act like nothing had happened. Clarke told herself it didn’t matter. She couldn’t have Lexa because she didn’t deserve her. But it was getting harder for Clarke to ignore her growing feelings for the brunette leader.

Clarke must have gotten lost in her thought because Lexa came back to the room to find her still sitting on her bed.

“Clarke, I will have to re-schedule our beach plans. Indra has brought a criminal who has requested the Trials of Absolution and I must over see them. I’m sorry.” Lexa said from where she stood in the doorway, head cocked to one side watching Clarke carefully

“Alright. Can I ask what the Trials of Absolution are?” Clarke responded. She had decided that she wanted to learn more about Grounder culture while she was living among them.

Lexa nodded and moved to sit on the bed next to Clarke. “When someone is accused of a crime that they feel was justified, or that they are not guilty of, they can request the Trials of Absolution. The Trials are designed to put the fate of the person in the hands of the Great Spirit. They are brutal and most people don’t survive. If they do survive then it is considered a sign from the Spirit that they were either justified in their actions or innocent all along.”

“Anyone can request these Trials?” Clarke asked, not looking up to meet Lexa’s gaze.

Lexa was about to say yes when she realized what Clarke was implying. “Clarke, no. You don’t know what it entails. You will likely die, the child as well.”  


“But if I don’t die? Then I could move on knowing that I made the right choice, that all those people didn’t die in vain.” When Clarke turned to face her, Lexa saw tears streaming down the blonde's face.

Lexa sighed. She had to admit that it seemed like a good idea, an opportunity for Clarke to find turn peace in what she did, but the risk was so great, especially while the other girl was pregnant. Lexa cleared her mind, trying not to let her feelings for Clarke to cloud her judgement as the Commander.

“If it is still something you want to do after you give birth then I cannot stop you, but I will not allow you to go through the Trials before the baby comes.”

Clarke nodded. It was a fair agreement. She knew that Lexa thought she would change her mind over the next few months but, in her heart, Clarke knew that this was something she needed to do. 

* * *

 

 The trials began at dusk. The man had been accused of beating his son to death. As Commander it was up to Lexa to determine the punishment to fit his crime. Naturally, she chose beating. The man’s wife started. She beat him with a large stick until he was bloody and whimpering. When she finished, Indra, his village leader, beat him. This continued through the night. Clarke felt Lexa’s eyes on her the entire time. She knew that if she looked at Lexa the other girl’s eyes would beg her not to do this, but Clarke had already made up her mind.

The man did not survive the night. His body gave out just before sunrise. The next day they burnt his body and nobody grieved the loss of such a man. Clarke listened to Lexa’s short speech about the honour in turning oneself over to the justice of the Spirit.

After the ceremony was over Lexa approached Clarke. “I have some business I must attend to while Indra is here. She is overdue to report on the fairings of Ton DC. They didn’t get to finish rebuilding before winter set in. I will be home for dinner.”

Clarke nodded and turned to leave for the house she had come to consider her home. 

* * *

Lexa found Indra waiting for her in Polis’ war tent. “ _You wanted to speak with me._ ”

“ _Sha. How long has Clarke been living with you?_ ” Indra cut right to the point. Lexa knew that she wanted to talk about more then Ton DC or she wouldn’t have requested a private meeting.

“ _For about a month. She has no where else to go, Indra,_ ” Lexa said as she fiddled with the edges of a map, trying not to sound like a child justify something they know they shouldn’t be doing 

“ _She does. Her camp. They are doing better then expected. I did not expect them to survive, especially without her. And she is with child. How will this look to your people Lexa?_ ” Indra was one of few people who could get away with talking to Lexa this way.

“ _Sof op, Indra. Clarke is not your concern, or theirs. She cannot leave Polis right now. She doesn’t plan to stay. After the baby comes she will leave,”_ Lexa flared. She was Heda, she should not have to explain herself in this.

“ _And what of the child? What if Clarke stays?_ ” Indra asked pointedly.

“Clarke _will not stay, but the child will. I will find it a home, someone who wants a child but whom the Spirit has not granted one._ ” Lexa said through clench teeth. On multiple occasions Lexa had wondered what would happen when Clarke had the child. The blonde had made it clear that she didn’t want the baby but Lexa had hoped Clarke would stay, though she knew her leaving would be for the best. Clarke was a distraction, and Lexa knew this.

“ _How can you be sure, Lexa? If she won’t go back to Camp Jaha now, what makes you think she will later?_ ” Indra pressed on. 

“ _Enough. I will handle it when the time comes. How is the rebuilding of Ton DC_?” Lexa changed the subjected.

Indra knew better then to push Lexa further then she already had. “ _It is going well. It will be warm enough to begin again soon. We should be done in time for the spring rains._ ” 

“ _Good.”_  With that Lexa left the tent. She already knew that the progress in Ton DC was going well and that the weather was warming. She had indulged Indra this request out of respect for her as a mentor and advisor, but she was tired of arguing about Clarke.

When Lexa returned home she was surprised and delighted to find that Clarke had cooked dinner.


	6. Preparations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa is a love sick raccoon and can't contain it any longer. Clarke has difficult choices to make but makes Lexa a promise.

Spring came, and Lexa realized that she was going to have to face the inevitable and start to make preparations for the baby. If Clarke didn’t want the baby Lexa would find a family who did to care for it, and make sure that Clarke was not hated for her choice. She would have to find a few guards to take Clarke, home, or wherever else it was that she wanted to go when she left Polis. Lexa also accepted that she might have to prepare for Clarke’s Trials and, with that, potentially her funeral. Clarke had estimated she would give birth in three cycles of the moon, months she called them, so time was growing short. But these were issues Lexa didn’t want to deal with. Because dealing with them could mean losing Clarke, maybe forever. 

Lexa turned to face Clarke, who was resting on her bed across the room. “ _What do you plan to do after you give birth?”_

 “ _About the Trials or in general?”_  Clarke asked, as she sat up so she could see Lexa better.

“ _Both,_ ” Lexa sighed. The fact that Clarke had brought up the Trials meant she was still thinking about them.

 “ _I want to do the Trials, and if you will have me, and the Spirit finds it just, I had hoped to stay in Polis_.” Clarke answered simply.

 “ _Of course you can stay in Polis. And I am sure the Spirit will find your actions justified_.” Lexa looked Clarke in the eye so she knew she was speaking form the heart. “ _What of the child?”_

 Clarke remained silent. “ _I don’t know. I haven’t put much thought into it._ ”

“ _If you do not wish to raise the child I will find it a home in Polis, but I will need time for that,”_  Lexa explained. She wanted it to be clear to Clarke that, just because she was pregnant, she was not obliged to raise the child, given the circumstances.

 “Do you want kids?” Clarke’s question caught Lexa off guard.

 "Yes. Costia loved children. I wanted to have children with her. I planned to be bond to her. But even before I meet her I knew I wanted kids. But then I became Commander and Costia was taken from me and I swore I would never have children, but the desire never went away.” This was something Lexa didn’t like to think about. Before she knew she would be Commander she had a plan for her life, a plan that involved a family. With everything that happened in her first year as Commander things changed, her plan changed. But more and more, recently, Lexa found she pictured herself, and an unmistakable blonde, with a little blue-eyed baby; but these were thoughts she forced herself to bury.

 “On the Ark I didn’t want kids, because children are lonely on the Ark. They lose their parents and are imprisoned. But when I thought I could be happy on earth, I thought maybe I could have a family, someday. But then you betrayed me, and everything happened so fast. I didn’t have time to think about whether that was something I really wanted, and now I’m pregnant and I don’t know what I want.” Clarke was crying and Lexa felt the urge to kiss her tears away. It broke Lexa’s heart to see Clarke so broken.

 “You don’t have to decide now, or even before you give birth. I will support you in any decision that you make, Clarke. But maybe this baby is your chance to start over, your chance to find peace.” Lexa had moved to the bed and pulled Clarke close to her body.

 Clarke fell asleep clutching Lexa’s shirt like it was her lifeline. When Lexa was sure the blonde was asleep she brushed her hair from her forehead and kissed her lightly. “ _Ai hod in yu, Clarke.”_

* * *

Clarke woke up the next morning confused. Lexa was lying with her head resting on Clarke's chest as she rubbed small, soft circles into her growing belly.“ _You didn’t have to stay,”_  Clarke said, though she thought it was kind of stupid: Lexa clearly wanted to stay.

 “ _I’m sorry. Did I make you uncomfortable?_ ” Lexa shot up when she realized that she had been caught.

 “ _No, that actually felt nice,”_  Clarke admitted. “ _Why are you so good to me?”_

 “ _I care about you,_ ” Lexa said sheepishly. “ _More then I care to admit. You make me weak_.”

 “ _I thought love was weakness,_ ” Clarke jibed, not realizing what Lexa meant.

Lexa remained silent as the meaning of her words set in for Clarke.

 “Oh,” was all Clarke could manage when she finally got it.

 After another moment of awkward silence Clarke spoke again. “Why didn’t you say something earlier?”

 Lexa sighed. “I thought I could fight this, and I knew that you weren’t ready. I didn’t want you to think I was pushing you.”

 Clarke smiled. It was nice to know that Lexa understood where she was at, and more importantly, that she respected that. “ _Someday, after the Trials and the baby, Lex, then I will be ready. To be with you. Only you.”_

 Lexa met Clarke’s eyes as she spoke. She knew from the look on the blonde’s face that she was speaking the truth. It was odd to Lexa, Clarke seem confident in that moment that she would survive the Trials. Every other time they were mentioned she thought she would perish.

 The next few months went smoothly. Lexa made preparations as if Clarke would keep the baby. She tried not to think about what that would mean for their relationship, but truly would support Clarke either way.

 She also started to make preparations for Clarke’s Trials. Clarke had estimated that she had taken 800 lives since falling to earth and wanted to account for all of those lives in her Trials. Lexa struggled to balance the need to pick a punishment fitting of her crimes and her desire for Clarke to live. In the end she asked Indra what she would pick. Indra said a mark down her back for every 100 lives seemed fair, so that was what Lexa planned to go with. All that was left was to pick a day and those who would inflict the cuts. Lexa still hoped Clarke would change her mind, though deep down she knew that that wouldn’t happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What can I say. It has been a productive week for this fic. Also I thought I'd mix it up and put the notes at the end. Hope you enjoy this. Keep reading.
> 
> Also sorry this chapter is pretty short but it is mostly just filler so that I can at least pretend to have a reasonable amount of time pass for this pregnancy.


	7. A new chapter begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa continues to be a love-sick idiot. Oh, and Clarke has a baby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this may be the last chapter for a while. I have a midterm, an exam, and a presentation next week and a paper due early next week (which I haven't started yet). So sorry in advance for that. 
> 
> Other then that hope you enjoy this chapter, keep reading!!

Clarke woke up to find a woman she recognized as one of Lexa’s guards, Echo, sitting in the chair in Lexa’s room. She turned to face Clarke when she heard the blonde stir. “ _Heda requested that I stay with you for the day. She had meetings with clan leaders all day and Coda is busy with the outbreak._ ”

 “ _You don’t have to stay. I’m fine,”_  Clarke said as she climbed out of the bed she and Lexa had been sleeping in for the last few months. Lexa never left Clarke alone lately. She kept saying she didn’t want her to be alone when she had the baby. Normally she left Coda but in the last few days there had been a lot of people presenting with a flu-like illness, so he was busy.

 Clarke felt Echo’s questions in the air between them as she headed out of the room in search of food, but didn’t say anything. She knew that Echo knew better then to say anything about finding her in Lexa’s bed.

 “ _Have you eaten, Echo?”_  Clarke asked.

 “ _Sha, Skia Prisa.”_  Echo answered but grabbed a piece of fruit form the bowl on the table nonetheless.

 That was the other thing Lexa had started recently; she insisted that her people treat Clarke with respect and call her by her title. Clarke tried to explain that she wasn’t actually a princess, that is was just a nickname, something her friends called her. But Lexa wouldn’t have any of it. She went on and on about how she was leader and a leader must have a title, so Clarke let it go.

 Clarke went about her day as she normally would, with the added frustration of feeling like she was being followed, which technically she was. Finally Clarke broke and turned to Echo, desparate to break the tension. “ _How long have you been one of Lexa’s guards? I don’t remember seeing you before._ ”

 “ _Not long. I was in the Mountain. I actually met your friend, the inside man, Bellamy, I think his name was. When Lexa freed us I wanted to show my thanks, so rather then returning home, to the Ice Nation, I joined her warriors. I never liked the old Queen. She was not a good leader,”_  Echo answered Clarke’s question without diving into the details of Lexa’s past.

 “ _You knew her before she was Heda._ ” It was more of a statement then a question: clearly Lexa had told her the stories.

 “ _Sha. She was different then, though when she is with you it reminds me of then. They were happier times, Clarke. But I think she can be happy again, if you truly are here to stay. If not, I think it will break her for good.”_  Echo was never one to hide the truth and someone needed to explain to Clarke just what she was doing. The blonde was leading Lexa on, which was fine if she truly planned to stay, but Echo would not see Clarke hurt Lexa.

 “ _I won’t hurt her.”_  Clarke fell silent after that. She meant what she said, now, to Echo and months ago, to Lexa. She wanted to be with Lexa, to see were this went, someday, but not yet. She wasn’t ready yet.

 Clarke was brought back from her thoughts by the sound of the door opening. “ _Clarke, are you here?_ ”

 Clarke felt herself smile at the sound of Lexa’s voice. “ _Yes. I’m in the room with the large chair. I’m resting. Echo is here too_.”

 Lexa entered the room and told Echo she could stay and eat with them, or eat elsewhere. Echo shrugged and left, muttering something about lovesick branwodas too stupid for their own good

 “ _How are you feeling, Clarke?_ ” Lexa asked as she helped the blonde out of the large chair she had been lounging in.

 “ _Awful. I just want to have this baby and be done with this already,_ ” Clarke said as she struggled to her feet.

 “ _So you don’t want to keep the baby then?_ ” Lexa asked. She had yet to get a definitive answer out of Clarke. She wanted her to be sure about her choice, but she did need to make arrangements if Clarke wasn’t going to raise the child.

 “ _That’s not what I meant. I don’t know, Lex. It feels kinda wrong, you know?”_  Lexa nodded though she didn’t really know: she had no clue what Clarke was going through, not really.

 The two girls chatted about Lexa’s meetings while they ate. Lexa had cooked, like she normally did. Clarke was glad she didn’t have to cook; she probably would have had Echo make her something.

 When they finished their lunch, Lexa walked Clarke back to her chair. Clarke complained the entire time, insisting that she wasn’t going to break. Since admitting her feelings Lexa had gotten extra protective. Clarke knew why: the last person she had admitted to caring for was Costia, but it was getting a little old.

 “ _If you need me send Echo. I will reschedule my meetings,_ ” Lexa said, before turning to leave.

 “ _I’ll be fine, Lexa. Go,_ ” Clarke said. Echo had returned a few minutes ago but was waiting out of the way, likely trying to give Clarke and Lexa their privacy.

* * *

Clarke fell asleep after lunch only to be shaken awake by Echo. “ _Clarke, wake up. I think you are having your baby.”_

 Clarke jolted awake with take to find her legs we wet, her water must have broken. Then a contraction hit her and she screamed. How had this not waken her up earlier?

 “Echo, get Lexa, and Coda,” Clarke commanded. “Coda first.”

 Echo hesitated but nodded, realizing if she didn’t get Coda she was going to have to deliver the baby herself.

 A few minutes later Coda arrived and moved Clarke to a better position to deliver. He talked her through another contraction and told her when to push.

 “Alright, Clarke. Stop pushing. One more and we should be done!” Coda instructed.

“God. Where’s Lexa?” Clarke growled through clenched teeth, before another contraction hit her.

 Coda had been right, it only took one more contraction for Clarke to deliver. Coda cut the umbilical cord and wiped the baby clean with a warm wet cloth before wrapping it and handing Clarke the small, wailing bundle.

 “She may want to nurse. Let her if she does, but don’t force her,” Coda instructed as he began to clean the mess on the Commander’s floor.

 “It’s a girl?” Clarke asked, amazed. She hadn’t put much thought into the baby’s gender.

 She lifted her shirt so she could position her daughter at her breast. The child latched on to a nipple easily and wailing was replaced with the content sounds of a nursing child. Clarke couldn’t help but stare as the child nursed and fell asleep in her arms. She had expected to she her baby and relive her torture, but rather, when she looked at her tiny daughter, she saw hope for what could be.

 It was about another hour before Lexa rushed into her home apologizing frantically about having to take a small group out of the city and forgetting to tell Echo were she could be found, to find Clarke and a sleeping newborn curled up in her bed.

 “ _I want to raise her,_ ” Clarke said softly, not taking her eyes of the sleeping girl in her arms.

 Lexa smiled and removed her armor before climbing into bed with Clarke and the baby. If Clarke wanted to raise the baby, then Lexa would support her in that.


	8. Leaving the Past behind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke's Trials. Chapter Warnings: mentions of blood and what could be considered torture.

Lexa woke up to the soft cries of Clarke’s infant daughter as the blonde rocked the baby. She couldn’t help but smile when she saw how perfect Clarke and the baby looked, Clarke in nothing but one of Lexa’s shirts, blonde hair a tangle mess, with the tiny baby cradled in her arms.

 Clarke noticed Lexa staring at her from the bed. “ _I’m sorry if she woke you. I can leave._ ”

 “ _No. It’s fine. I need to get up anyway,_ ” Lexa said, as she climbed out of bed and began to get ready for the day.

 Once Clarke got the baby back to sleep she went in search of Lexa, who had muttered something about breakfast when she left the room earlier. When Clarke got to the dinning area she was surprised to see Indra and an older man sitting at the table eating.

 Indra looked up when Clarke entered the room. “ _I am glad you are well, Skia Prisa. Lexa said she would be right back. She left food for you._ ”

The man watched Clarke with a smile as she sat down across form Indra and made herself a plate of the meat and potatoes Lexa had made for breakfast. When Clarke was settled and eating the man finally spoke.

 “ _So you are Clarke. My daughter speaks very highly of you, Skia Prisa._ ” Clarke looked up and met the man’s unmistakable green eyes when he addressed her.

 “ _You are Lexa’s father?_ ” Clarke was shocked. Lexa had never mentioned having living family. Clarke assumed they were all dead.

 “ _Sha, Skia Prisa. I take it she hasn’t mentioned me to you, or that I would be coming to stay in Polis._ ” The way he spoke reminded Clarke so much of Lexa.

 “ _Please, call me Clarke, and no she hadn’t mentioned it,_ ” Clarke responded. She was a little frustrated that something this big had been kept from her.

 “ _Alright, Clarke, and you can call me Mal. I have come to live in Polis. My heath is failing and I want to spend the remainder of my life closer to my daughter._ ” Mal smiled when he spoke. “ _I will stay in the guesthouse. I don’t want to be a burden on Lexa. I’m sure you know how she can be, thinking she needs to protect and provide for everyone._ ”

 “ _No, you must stay here. I’m sure Lexa would want that, and I wouldn’t feel right staying in the Commander’s home while her own father stays in the guesthouse. And family is never a burden,_ ” Clarke said with a smile.

Lexa returned as Clarke was washing the dishes from breakfast. She told Clarke to go rest and took the dirty plates from her.

 “ _Lexa, I had a baby. I’m fine. I can handle this,_ ” Clarke said, as she started to dry and stack the clean dishes. “ _Why didn’t you tell me your father was coming?”_

 Lexa paused. “ _Honestly, I thought you would be leaving soon. Once I knew you were staying, I had forgotten you didn’t know. I’m sorry. He doesn’t have to stay here if…_ ”

“ _No. I want him to stay here. Even if I have to move back to the guesthouse,_ ” Clarke interrupted.

 “ _Why would you have to leave here, Clarke?_ ” Lexa asked, clearly confused.

“ _I just thought, you know, that your father wouldn’t want you living with someone like me,_ ” Clarke answered quietly, not looking Lexa in the face.

 “ _What does that mean, Clarke, someone like you?_ ” Lexa dried her hands and turned towards Clarke as she spoke.

“ _Someone so bad for you, because I had a baby that isn’t yours, because I’m leading you on, because I am a terrible person. I’m a murder, Lexa, how could you think your father would be okay with you living with someone like that._ ” Clarke finally turned to Lexa, tears streaming down her face.

 For the first time Lexa understood that Clarke really did need to go through the Trials. She had hoped that when the baby came Clarke would see the good in herself and the world, and would be able to move on without the huge risk to her life, but it was clear now that that would not be the case. “First off, you are not a murderer Clarke. You have never killed someone without a justified reason, to save your people or to end their suffering. And why would my father care that your baby is not mine? I don’t know how the Sky People view children, but here any healthy baby is viewed as a gift from the Great Spirit, regardless of how it came to be, who it's parents were, or who will raise the child.”

 “Lexa, I don’t know how you do it. Move on, see the good in me, in the world, after everything you have seen. All that you have lost. I tried, I really did. I tried to view my daughter as a new beginning but I just can’t. I know you think my actions were justified, but I need proof.” Clarke wiped the tears from her eyes and looked at Lexa, trying to convey her meaning.

 “I have set your Trials for a week from now,” Lexa said as she nodded in understanding. She really did understand what Clarke was going through. After Costia, she didn’t think she would ever be truly alive again, but she had been wrong. Clarke had shown her that life was worth living, and she intended to remind Clarke of this lesson.

* * *

 

The week went by quickly. The day of Clarke’s Trials it rained, but by some miracle the rain stopped just before sundown, when it was time to start the Trials.

“ _Clarke, you shouldn’t wear bindings, if they don’t have to be removed this will be easier. I will take the baby during the trails.”_  Clarke nodded as she dressed.

“ _If I don’t survive will you name her for me?”_  Clarke asked. Lexa had explained that Grounder children were not named until the first full moon after their births, so that they could be named in the eye of the Great Spirit and their spirit formally welcomed back to earth. Clarke was okay with this. During her pregnancy she hadn’t thought of names and she was still struggling to come up with something. But recently, she had begun to worry about who would name the child, if she did survive the Trials.

 “ _You will survive Clarke. But if it makes you feel better then yes I will agree to name your child if you can’t,”_  Lexa said. She knew that Clarke didn’t understand what she was asking. It was up to the parents to tell the spirits the baby's name, it wasn’t something just anyone could do. To name a child that you wouldn’t raise was seen as an insult to those who would raise it, but for Clarke, Lexa would do anything.

Lexa wrapped the infant in warmer clothes and led Clarke to the centre of Polis. Once there she instructed Clarke to be tied to one of the large post there. The sun had set and it was time to begin the trials.

 Lexa stood next to Clarke and addressed the crowd that had gathered, still holding the infant. “ _Skia Prisa, Clarke has requested the Trails of Absolution to atone for her crimes of war. She is sentenced to receive 8 cuts along the length of her back, each representing 100 of the 800 spirits she killed since her fall from the sky.”_

 Lexa nodded at Ryder, who cut the back of Clarke’s shirt away so that her back was exposed. Indra stepped forward and drew her knife. She would be the first to cut Clarke, because she was the leader of Ton DC, the village Clarke and Lexa had let burn. When Indra cut Clarke, the blonde didn’t scream, which surprised Lexa. Lexa resisted the urge to clench her eyes shut or turn away. She was Heda; she must oversee this. Instead, Lexa looked down at the bundle in her arms. The child was still sleeping, oblivious to the world around her.

 After Indra, two others from Ton DC, each who had lost someone as a result of the missile, cut Clarke. They were followed by three individuals who had lost someone in the ring of fire at the dropship. The fifth man to cut Clarke cut her too deep and Clarke screamed out for the first time. He did not cut straight or consistent either, more tearing the flesh than cutting it.

 “ _Enough!_ ” Lexa yelled. “ _Tie him to the other post. Coda, as Clarke’s guard you can inflict a matching cut on him, as punishment. I remind all that these Trials are not to punish the accused but to put their fate in hands of the Spirit: we do not hurt unnecessarily._ ”

 “ _I would cut that one a thousand more times for the wrong she has done our people. You should be killing her, not cradling her child and trying to save her, Heda,_ ” the man yelled as he was tied up.

 He too cried out when Coda cut him, doing his best to mimic the cut on the man had inflicted on Clarke. After he was cut, they turned their attention back to Clarke.

The sixth woman finished her cut and said something to Clarke. When Clarke didn’t respond Lexa’s stomach dropped. When was the last time Clarke had moved? Had the deep cut been too much, had she lost to much blood? “ _Coda, check the Skia Prisa for life.”_

 Coda nodded and stepped forward, checking Clarke for signs of life and trying to wake her. Clarke moaned and her eyes fluttered open. Coda turned to Lexa. “ _She lives on._ ”

 Lexa nodded and turned to hand the child, who was now awake and whining, to Indra. She lowered her voice so that few other then Indra would hear her. “ _Take the gufa to my home. I had food for her sent there. Try to get her to eat. I will come as soon as I can.”_

 Indra nodded and left for the Commander's home. Lexa then stepped forward and drew her own knife. She had decided that she would give the last of the cuts, the cuts representing the end of the destruction in the Mountain, the cuts representing the choice Lexa had forced on Clarke when she broke their alliance at the foot of the Mountain.

 “ _I am sorry, hodnes,_ ” Lexa whispered, as she cut Clarke as shallowly as she dared. She wanted to give Clarke the biggest chance of survival, without interfering with the will of the Spirit or being seen as weak by her people. She didn’t pause between the cuts.

 When she was finished she turned back to the cord. “ _Clarke will remain her until sunrise. Any who wish to stay with her may, but remember, you are not to interfere with the will of the Spirit._ ”

 Lexa stayed by Clarke’s side until the she could see the sun had risen fully above the horizon, having Coda regularly check the other girl for signs of life. She commanded that Clarke be untied and take her back to their shared home for healing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized two things as I wrote this chapter.
> 
> First in a.a.t.t I mention that Lexa's father was alive during Clarke's time in Polis and plays a fairly large role in their lives there. So if it feels like I have just awkwardly thrown that in, its pretty much because I did. And short of re-writting past chapters this is the best I can do. I don't think it would be totally unreasonable for Lexa to have distanced herself from her family after what happened to Costia. I think it would almost make sense that they were not living in the same place. But he is older and ailing, and Lexa is learning that she cannot let the events of the past control her today. 
> 
> Second, I realized that I edited out the section where Clarke and Lexa talk about baby naming because it just didn't fit in previous chapters. To me it didn't make sense that Clarke would bring up names for a baby she didn't think that she wanted. But at the same time it is a little weird that the baby isn't named yet by modern western standards of baby naming. I always planned on having the baby be named a little while after Clarke gave birth but only recently realized you can't read my mind and wouldn't know thats why this kid is still nameless. 
> 
> Sorry for any confusion. Feel free to ask for any clarifications. Enjoy and keep reading.


	9. Healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke continues healing physically and mentally along side the relation between Lexa and the Ice Nation, Tasha included.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What?! To up dates within twenty-four hours. I know right
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter as well. Keep readying!!

Lexa watched as Clarke slept on the bed in her room. It had only been a few hours but she had hoped the blonde would have awoken up by now, at least long enough to drink some water. Lexa was brought from her thoughts by soft coos from the child in her arms. She looked down to she familiar blue eyes staring back up at her.

“ _Worry not, youngin. Yo nomon is strong. She will not leave us_.” The child looked up at Lexa with an unchanged expression. She seemed to know that Lexa was experiencing some sort of grief.

 “ _How is she Heda?”_  Echo stood in the doorway.

 Lexa looked up at Echo. “ _Clarke is unchanged, though I think her breathing is more stable._ ”

 Lexa got up and put the baby in the small cradle next to the bed. Echo’s eyes followed her and she smirked when she saw the cradle.

 “ _Do you have something to say, Echo?”_  Lexa questioned.

 “ _You gave Clarke your cradle. The cradle intended for use by the children of the Commander,_ ” Echo said, grin plaster on her face.

 “ _It is just a cradle, Echo. It means nothing. Everyone knows the child is Clarke’s,_ ” Lexa said sternly.

 “ _But does everyone know how much you wish she was yours, Clarke and her baby a like?_ ” Echo teased, coming to stand by Lexa and peer down at the baby. “ _She has her eyes.”_

 “ _I know. Why are you here Echo?_ ” Lexa asked, hoping to change the subject but not bothering to deny Echo's accusations. She did wish that they were hers, and that she was theirs, but that was neither here nor there.

 “ _Tasha is here. Did you forget she was coming today?_ ” Lexa blinked at the mention of Echo’s sister. She wouldn’t admit that with everything that had happened she had forgotten that today was the day Tasha would make her first visit to Polis as Ice Queen. Her silence must have cued Echo into the truth.“ _She is waiting for you near the pool. I told her that you were attending to duties. She likely won’t ask what exactly, but you should go soon.”_

 Lexa nodded and headed for the common area of her home, where she knew she would find Indra and Ryder. “ _Tasha has arrived. I must welcome her to Polis. Indra, Ryder, stay with Clarke and the child, send for me if anything changes.”_

 Both warriors nodded, though Indra looked far more hesitant than Ryder. Lexa gave Indra one last stern look before following Echo from the house.

 Lexa and Echo headed to a cave just outside of Polis. The cave held a thermal pool that was the perfect temperature for bathing. It was used for ceremonial purposes and to welcome visitors to Polis.

 “ _Kwin Tasha, I am sorry to keep you waiting. I oversaw Trials this morning and got held up,_ ” Lexa said as entered the tent Tasha and her guards had been waiting in.

“ _Do not concern yourself with it, Heda. I understand you have duties beyond greeting me?”_  Tasha said, all formalities, before breaking into a smile and hugging her sister. “ _It is good to see you again, Echo. Mother requests that you come home soon; she has taken well to being mother of a queen. Lexa, it is good to see you again as well. I hope that we can re-establish our personal friendship as well as the friendship between my people and the rest of the Coalition.”_

 Lexa nodded and smiled warmly at her old friend. Though Tasha was older than her, they had once been close, as sisters were. Lexa was an only child and always wished that she could have a sister, someone to look up to, to guide her. She had found this in Tasha and Anya both. “ _It is good to see you as well old friend. I trust you remember this custom.”_

 “ _Sha,”_  Tasha said with a characteristic smirk. She and Anya had once caught Lexa, Echo, and Costia trying to sneak into this very pool. Anya had gone on and on about respecting the sanctity of their traditions. Tasha had reminded Anya that they were still young, and that she and Anya had gotten into their fair share of trouble as seconds.

 With that the three girls, as well as Tasha’s guard, stripped down, wiped themselves with the provided water, wrapped themselves in silk-like robes, and grabbed soap to take with them into the pool.

 Lexa, Tasha, and Echo talked of the past as they washed and for the first time in a while Lexa was truly hopeful that they really could rebuild a good relationship with the Ice Nation.

* * *

 Lexa was both thrilled and furious when she returned to home to find Clarke awake and laying on her side so that she could nurse her daughter without re-opening her cuts. She was thrilled because Clarke was okay, better then she had expected her to be, but furious because Indra and Ryder had not sent for her when the blonde woke up.

 “ _I gave you both a direct order. I am your Commander. It is not your place to decided when to obey me,”_  Lexa fumed, until the gentle voice of Clarke brought her back to earth.

“ _First Lexa, if you wake this baby up, I will end you. Second, I told them not to send for you. I’m fine, better then fine really. Indra asked Ryder to get you but I told them not to. You were busy. I didn’t need you. It’s fine, Lexa. Everything was fine,”_  Clarke spoke, and Lexa calmed down.

 Lexa turned to look at the blonde as she spoke, and took in Clarke for the first time since her Trials. Clarke seemed lighter, happier, more sure of herself. And though Lexa had always found the blonde sky girl exceedingly beautiful, to Lexa, Clarke looked more perfect then ever. The brunette wanted nothing more then to climb into bed and get lost in the world that was Clarke, but she didn’t dare show such weakness with Indra in the room. “ _You look better. Better then before the Trials I mean. Was it what you expected?”_

 “ _Yes and no. I didn’t expect to survive, but I’m glad I did them. I know now, that I made the right choice. I wanted to believe it before, but I just couldn’t. I’m not saying I won’t always wish it could have been different, but I can live with it now, you know?_ ” Clarke said and she smiled, truly smiled, for the first time in Lexa’s memory. Lexa melted in that smile. If she hadn’t been in love, totally and completely, with the blonde before, she definitely was now.

 A laugh from behind her reminded Lexa that she was not alone with Clarke.

“ _Is this Clarke?_ ” Tasha asked from where she stood next to her sister, who was barely containing giggles.

 “ _Yes. Clarke, this is Tasha, Echo’s sister and the new Ice Queen. She will be staying in Polis for the next few weeks. I am working to re-establish a good relationship Azgeda, so that peace can be maintained,_ ” Lexa said, as an introduction between the two girls.

 Clarke smiled and waved from where she lay on the bed. “ _I hope to come visit the Ice Nation someday_.”

 “ _I would be glad to have you, Skia Prisa. Maybe you can bring my sister and Lexa with you,”_  Tasha said with a smile, and Clarke laughed, understanding Tasha’s concern that without the additional push neither Lexa nor Echo would make a social visit.

Coda entered the room then. “ _Alright, everyone you must leave now. Clarke needs her rest._ ” Everyone, except Lexa, turned to leave the room after bidding some form of goodbye to Clarke.

 “ _Lexa, you too. You have duties to tend to, Clarke doesn’t need you to watch her sleep.”_

Lexa nodded and hesitantly left the room. “ _Sleep well, Clarke, and heal. Your youngon needs you_.” And so do I, Lexa added to herself.


	10. Welcome home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and her daughter are welcomed to earth, grounder style.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter. Clarke and Lexa finally get their shit together and baby Irene gets a name, so I can stop awkwardly referring to her as "the baby." Also Lexa is an adorable little fucker who has a soft spot for children, especially children that remind her of Clarke. 
> 
> Thanks for reading, hope you enjoy!!!

Over the next two weeks Clarke and Lexa adjusted to having both Lexa’s father and a new baby in their home. At first Clarke had insisted that she take on all the responsibilities of caring for her daughter, but she quickly learned not to refuse the help of either Lexa or Mal. Lexa and Clarke were lying curled up in bed together on the afternoon of the full moon while the baby slept, trying to get a moment of peace in the crazy world they found themselves living in.

 “ _Have you chosen a name yet, Clarke?”_  Lexa asked and sat up, shifting the blonde so that she was sitting in front of her with her back to the brunette.

 “ _Sha, but it is a surprise,_ ” Clarke answered.

 The two girls fell into silence as Lexa began to braid Clarke’s blonde hair. The only sounds that interrupted the silence were the occasional hum from Clarke. Tonight they would not only welcome the spirit of Clarke’s baby and name her officially, but they would also welcome Clarke to the ground officially, as a member of Trikru.

When Lexa finished braiding Clarke’s hair, the blonde turned around to face Lexa. Blue eyes meet green, and Clarke bit her lip. 

 “ _What is troubling you Clarke?”_ Lexa asked.

 Clarke hesitated and dropped her eyes to Lexa’s lips. Rather then speaking she crashed their lips together and kissed the brunette. Lexa froze. It took her a second to understand what was going on, to realize that this was real and not some dream she was having. Then she was kissing Clarke back. The blonde shifted so she was resting fully in Lexa’s lap and broke the kiss, but kept their foreheads together. “ _I’m ready now_.”

 “ _Really?”_  Lexa whispered back. She wanted to know that Clarke was sure that she was ready. She didn’t want to mess this up.

 “ _Sha,”_  Clarke answered, and captured Lexa lips between her own again.

 Lexa pulled away from Clarke. Their make-out session was quickly getting out of Lexa’s control. She already feared having to explain the mark she knew Clarke had left on her neck, and if they weren’t ready soon someone would come for them. “ _Hodnes, we have to get ready_.”

 Clarke hummed and planted a chaste kiss on Lexa’s swollen lips before climbing off the brunette, who was now lying on the bed under her. Without a word Clarke walked over to the chest the held her clothing and changed, fully aware of Lexa’s eyes always on her.

 “ _I want to take this slowly Lexa. I don’t want to mess this up,_ ” Clarke said, reading the look of lust on Lexa’s face when she turned back around.

 “ _Anything for you, ain hodnes. Though this will be the biggest test of my strength yet._ ” Lexa walked across the room and kissed Clarke again before applying her war paint and putting on her on her armoured coat while Clarke dressed the baby.

 They found Echo and Tasha waiting for them outside. The weather had improved greatly and everyone was spending more and more time outside. Tasha noted to herself that Lexa was walking closer to Clarke then she usually did, which she didn’t think was actually possible.

 “ _Way to keep everyone waiting you two. Lets go, the sun will set soon,”_  Echo teased, once the two leaders were standing in front of them.

Though there was still about an hour until the sun would set and the ceremony could begin, Clarke and Lexa headed in the direction of the pool, just out side the gates of Polis. Lexa had promised to show Clarke the pool before the ceremony began. Clarke wasn’t nervous about the ceremony; it was simple. She was nervous about the tattoos she would have to get the next day.

 Clarke followed Lexa into a small cave. Her jaw dropped when she entered the cave featured a large, steaming pool, and a waterfall from a higher pool. There were people lighting small fires around the edges of the pool, causing the water to glisten. Most amazingly the walls were filled with some sort of mineral which also reflected the fires’ light. “ _Wow. This is amazing Lexa. Beautiful_.”

 Lexa hadn’t taken her eyes off Clarke since they entered the cave. She was enthralled by the way Clarke’s blonde hair, something so rare on earth, reflected the light that filled the cave. She didn’t realize that Clarke was talking to her until the other girl turned to face her. “ _What?_ ”

 “ _You were staring at me, again._ ” Clarke hesitated as if she were going to step closer to Lexa. She was unsure how Lexa would want to proceed with their growing relationship in public, but she figured Lexa would think she was safest if no one knew.

 “ _I couldn’t help it. You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen_.” Lexa grabbed Clarke hand and brought it to her lips, forcing Clarke to step closer to her. Clarke and Lexa spent the next hour hand in hand as Lexa showed Clarke the cave and the surrounding areas. The baby slept in the sling Lexa had used to tie her to Clarke’s chest the entire time.

 

 As the sun set the many people of Polis, all of whom were invited to the ceremony, made their way to the cave. Those closest to Clarke entered the cave first, followed by Echo and Tasha, the only guests of the Commander currently in Polis. Lexa’s fathered had entered the cave with Coda a few moments earlier. Few others actually entered the cave, as it wasn’t that big, but a large group had gathered outside its entrance.

 Lexa had ushered Clarke into a small tent next to the entrance of the cave and instructed her to strip and put on one of the provided robes. Clarke nodded and did what she was told. Lexa returned a few minutes later and told Clarke it was time to begin.

 Clarke stood next to Lexa, with her daughter in her arms, in the mouth of the cave, as Lexa addressed her people. “ _We are gathered her tonight to welcome, Clarke, the Skia Prisa, and her child, to earth, as one of our own. From this day further they will not been seen as Skiakru but as Trikru_.”

 The crowd cheered and Lexa turned and entered the cave with Clarke on her heals. Once in the cave Lexa took the child from Clarke and instructed Clarke to disrobe and step into the pool. Clarke was pleasantly surprised by the warmth of the water; she had feared it would be too hot.

 “ _First, we welcome Clarke, who fell from the sky and brought peace to our people. May the Great Spirit look over her spirit in this life and the next._ ” Lexa nodded at Clarke, who submerged herself in the water. When Clarke resurfaced, Lexa spoke again. “ _Welcome home, Clarke kom Trikru._ ”Lexa unwrapped the child and handed her to Clarke in the pool. Clarke held the baby out in front of her, supporting her weight but still allowing her to float. When the baby hit the water her tiny lips began to quiver and her eyes filled with tears. Clarke began to hum softly to the child, hoping to calm her down.

 “ _Tonight we welcome not only Clarke, but also a spirit back into our midst, as Clarke welcomes her daughter into her heart. Clarke, what is the name of this child?_ ” Lexa turned to Clarke.

 “ _Irene, for the ancient goddess of peace, because I hope that my daughter only knows peace in her life time,_ ” Clarke answered.

 Without taking her eyes off Clarke and Irene, Lexa announced the name of Clarke’s daughter to the Great Spirit, and to her people. “ _Welcome home, Irene. May the Great Spirit watch you, guide you, and protect you._ ”

 Clarke climbed out of the pool and dried off Irene before wrapping both herself and the baby up. She then returned to the tent and redressed them both. She found Lexa waiting outside the tent for her. “ _Come, hodnes. Now we celebrate._ ”

 The celebration lasted long into the night.  Clarke spent the entire night at Lexa's side, and if anyone noticed the marks on Lexa's neck, they didn't mention it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So now all the chapters have been updated after being beta-ed by the glorious Captain_Firefly!!! The next chapter should be done soon and will be up after it gets beta-ed. Sorry for the delay.


	11. Finding that you belong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After a longer then usual wait I finally have another chapter done and beta-ed and ready to go!! Thanks again to the lovely Captain_Firefly for beta-ing for me. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!!!!

Lexa woke up the next morning to the warmth of Clarke’s body pressed against her’s.  She smiled. This wasn’t the first time she had woken up to the blonde girl in her bed.  She and Clarke had been sharing a bed for months, but this was different.  Before, she wasn’t free to brush Clarke’s hair out of her face and wake her up with gentle kisses.

Clarke woke up to Lexa peppering her face with soft kisses.  She growled.  “ _Lexa, why are you waking me up?  If Irene is still asleep, I want to take  full advantage of that fact.”_

“ _Me too,”_ Lexa said as she pressed her lips to Clarke’s.  It wasn’t long until the blonde was sweeping her tongue along Lexa’s bottom lip, begging entrance.  Their tongues meet and Lexa shifted them so that Clarke was in her lap.  

They continued to make out until they heard someone clear their throat behind them.  Clarke moved to climb off Lexa, but the brunette held her tightly in place and peered around her.  Clarke frowned, but looked over her shoulder, to find Echo leaning against the door frame.

“ _Do Trikru not knock?”_ Clarke asked.

“ _We do, and I did.  You two were just too occupied to hear me.  I warned you I was coming in, too.  I’m just glad to see you are both fully clothed,”_ Echo smirked.  “ _Indra sent me to get you up and ready so Clarke can get her tattoos.”_

 _“We will get up.  Irene should be up soon anyway,”_ Lexa responded.

“ _Indra won’t hesitate to come and find you if you aren’t ready soon,”_   Echo stated as she left, neglecting to pull the door shut behind her.

Lexa kissed Clarke chastely and began to rub small circles into her back.  “ _You are scared?  Why?”_

“ _Will the tattoos hurt?”_ Clarke asked quietly.

Lexa laughed. “ _Not anymore then your Trials, probably less.  It is an important custom.  You will get one tattoo marking you as Trikru, and one representing Irene.”_

Clarke nodded and kissed Lexa again.  This time they were pulled away from each other when Irene started crying.  “ _I’ll get her.  We should get up any way.”_

Clarke climbed out of bed and walked over to the small cradle to get her daughter.  Lexa smiled as she watch Clarke’s hips sway when she picked the baby girl up, humming quietly.  Clarke changed Irene and climbed back into bed with Lexa while she nursed the infant. 

 _“You are both beautiful,”_ Lexa said, as she leaned forward to kiss the top of Irene’s head and Clarke’s forehead, before getting out of bed.  She would have to be in full ceremonial armour and war paint for the marking ceremony. 

* * *

The marking ceremony was to be held after breakfast.  Lexa held Irene while they walked to the tattooist's tent.  Clarke was quiet as they walked. They stopped outside the tent. It was open on one side and a small crowd had gathered to watch the marking ceremony. _“You will be fine, Clarke.  I’ll be right by your side.”_

The tattooist was a tiny elderly woman, named Nan.  She introduced herself to Clarke and pulled her in for a surprisingly tight hug.  She greeted Lexa by laying her hand on her arm and leaning forward to kiss Irene’s head.  It seemed an odd gesture to Clarke, such contrast to the picture of Grounders she had in her head.  

“ _Which tattoo first, Skai Prisa?”_ Nan asked, as she positioned Clarke on the ground before sitting next to the blonde.  Lexa sat down on Clarke’s right side.

 _“The one for Irene.  Lexa says it has to be a band on my right arm.  I drew what I want.  I hope that’s okay, its simple just the spelling of her name in English.  I want the other one on the back of my shoulder, between the cuts.”_ Clarke spoke and handed a paper with Irene written out in cursive to Nan. 

Nan nodded and instructed Clarke to remove her shirt.  She cleaned Clarke’s skin before beginning the tattoo.  When the band with Irene’s name was finished she wrapped it in cloth and repositioned herself behind Clarke. _“Which side?”_

 _“Left.”_ Clarke answered.  She was surprised how little the first tattoo hurt.  The second would mark her as Trikru.  It was a tree filled with designs, similar to the tattoo on Lexa’s arm, and enclosed in a circle.  The second tattoo hurt more.  Lexa had said that it would, because it was over bone.  When Nan finished she covered that tattoo as well and instructed Clarke to put her shirt back on.

Clarke took a whining Irene from Lexa and let her nurse while Nan cleaned up.  _“You will need to get a cream from the healer to help the skin heal.”_

Clarke nodded as Lexa turned to address her people.  _“Last night we welcomed Clarke and her child Irene to earth as members of Trikru.  Today we saw Clarke marked as both the mother of Irene and as a member of Trikru.  Someday we will see Irene similarly marked.  Treat them both as you would treat any other member of any other clan.”_

The crowd cheered.  Clarke heard many welcomes shouted in both Trigedasleng and English and couldn’t help but smile.  Despite everything that she had been through, she truly felt that she belonged here; she was doing the right thing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For any one who is interested here is a link to Clarke's Trikru tattoo:
> 
> http://laddyqueen.tumblr.com/post/132024125114
> 
> I will include the link to the Irene tattoo at a later time (If you have read a.a.t.t., then you realize that the image I have of that is with another tattoo, that I don't want to reveal in this fic quiet yet just in case there are people waiting to read that until after they finish this.)


	12. Celebrating how far we've come

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay, as the seamster draws to its close all the papers are due and I've been swamped. 
> 
> Thanks again to my glorious beta Captain_Firefly.
> 
> Smutting warning after the break if thats not your thing.

Lexa decided that Irene had some sixth sense that allowed her to sense when Lexa wanted time alone with Clarke.  It seemed that every time things began to heat up between the two girls Irene started to cry, much to Lexa’s dismay.  Currently Irene's crying was far from Lexa’s mind.  She had a shirtless Clarke in her lap as they hid away from the others in the war planning tent.  Lexa ran her eyes down the blonde’s front before returning her mouth to Clarke’s neck.  Clarke whimpered as Lexa ran her teeth over her pulse point. 

“ _Lex,”_ Clarke’s attempt at speech was turned to moans by Lexa’s skillful tongue at her throat.   

Lexa pulled away once more to meet the blonde’s eyes.  She smirked when she saw how dark they were. _“Sha, hodnes?”_

 _“I thought I heard someone outside.  We left Irene with your father, I told him to come find us if she was too much trouble.”_ Clarke spoke softly, but Lexa wasn’t listening to the blonde; she was admiring the marks starting to form on her neck.

A voice from the outside of the tent caught Lexa’s attention.  _“I know you’re in there and I won’t hesitate to come in.”_

When Lexa and Clarke didn’t reply Echo barged into the tent.  She sighed when she saw the two girls on Lexa’s throne. _“You two are honestly worse then the seconds.  Imagine Anya’s face if she were here to find you two going at it on that throne.  Lexa, Indra is at the gates.  She wouldn’t say why she was here, just that it was urgent.  I tried to stall her, but you know Indra.  I told her I would come and get you.  Clarke may want to put a shirt on.”_

Clarke’s face fell slightly when she realized that they would have to leave.  Lexa smirked and kissed the blonde again. “ _Later, I promise.”_

Clarke climbed off Lexa’s lap and walked over to where Echo stood, holding her discarded shirt and grinning.  Echo didn’t mention the hickeys on both girls’ necks or the disarray of Lexa’s hair fromm Clarke’s hands being in it; the only thing that was missing was war paint smeared across both girls faces. 

As they walked toward the gate Clarke felt the eyes of everyone they passed on her.  She turned to ask Lexa if there was a reason they were staring and found it.  She grabbed Lexa’s arm to stop the other girl.  She quickly tried to fix Lexa’s wild hair while muttering about how Echo could have warned them.  Lexa only smiled.  Clarke had explained to her that Skaikru has a very different view of sex then the Grounders.  Where Lexa was fine with everyone thinking that she was bedding the Skai Prisa, Clarke was embarrassed that her sex life had become the most interesting topic around Polis. 

“ _Its not funny, Lexa,”_ Clarke said through clenched teeth as she finished fixing Lexa’s hair.

“ _It is a little funny.  You are not in Camp Jaha.  You don’t have to worry about your mother finding out, or what others will think.  It is a great honor to be bedded by the Commander,”_ Lexa explained, again.

“ _So your telling me they just see me as one of your conquests?”_ Clarke questioned.

 _“No, they know you are more then that.  You are my equal and…”_ Lexa trailed off.  She had been avoiding finishing that sentence for months.  It was one thing to suggest to Clarke that she loved her; it was another thing entirely to say the words to her while the other girl was aware of it.   

“ _Yes, Lexa. And what?”_ Clarke asked.  She knew what Lexa was going to say but wanted to hear it anyway.  

“ _Not know.  Lets go see what Indra wants.”_   Lexa said as she intertwined her fingers with Clarke’s. 

They found Echo and Indra standing at the gates of Polis waiting.  Indra looked annoyed at having been kept waiting.  “ _Sorry to make you wait, Indra.  You know you are welcome in Polis any time.  Why did you wait at the gate?”_

 _“I am here to formally invite the Commander, and any she wishes to come with her, to a celebration in Ton DC.  The rebuild is finished and we wish to bless it in the eyes of the Great Spirit”_ Indra spoke loudly, clearly addressing more then just Lexa. 

“ _The Commander accepts your invitation.  Stay the night in Polis and rest, we will leave in the morning.”_ Lexa addressed Indra before turning to address the rest of her people, many of whom had gathered near the gates.  “ _Tomorrow morning I will leave for Ton DC, to celebrate the rebirth of the village after the destruction of war.  All are welcome to come.”_

Clarke and Lexa made their way back to their home. They found Mal resting in a large chair with Irene in his arms.  “ _We were just going to come find you.  I think it is time for this youngon to eat.”_

Clarke smiled and took her daughter from the older man, thanking him for agreeing to watch her for a little while that morning.  Clarke was silent while she nursed Irene.

“ _What is wrong, Clarke?”_ Lexa asked.  She was sitting on the floor across the room from Clarke.

Clarke’s eyes darted to Mal.  She didn’t want to voice her concern and reveal to him that she had known the missile was coming. 

Lexa realized what Clarke was thinking.  “ _It was war, Clarke.  There was no other way.  The Spirit found it just.”_

Clarke nodded.  “ _How long will you be in Ton DC?”_

Lexa blinked.  She had assumed that Clarke and the baby would come with her.  She thought it would be good for Clarke to see that even in the villages most affected by war, life went on after the battles were over.  She also thought that it would be good for Clarke to go home, at least to visit.  “ _I think you should come, bring Irene.  See how life goes on after a tragedy such as this. You are Trikru now; you are as welcome as anyone.”_

Clarke nodded.  Lexa was right.  She should go.  Show everyone that she was healing and that she was serious about being Trikru not Skaikru, but that would require her to go to Ton DC and be so close to Camp Jaha.  _“Fine.  I will come to Ton DC but no further.  I am not ready to see them yet.”_

* * *

Ton DC was a two days journey from Polis.  They camped in a clearing about halfway between the city and village.  Irene took surprisingly well to sleeping away from her home.  When they arrived in Ton DC, they were met with cheers like Clarke had never heard.  The people of the village were happy to have their Commander among them.  Lexa kept one hand on Clarke the entire time, pulling her in the direction Indra sent her rather then letting her go settle into the guest tents with the others.

“ _We will stay in my war tent.”_ Lexa whispered when Clarke tried to protest.  

That’s how Clarke found herself standing some place she never imagined she would be again; Lexa’s war tent in Ton DC.  Clarke looked around, taking in the familiar sight.  Somehow it looked different than before, more lived in, despite the fact that no one had lived in it since the Mountain fell.  In the stress of war Clarke had not noticed the details of the tent that made it appear as much Lexa’s home as her house in Polis was.  

“ _What is on your mind, Clarke?”_ Lexa asked.  She had gotten very good at reading the blonde’s emotions even as Clarke got better at hiding them. 

 _“I never thought I would be in this tent again,”_ Clarke muttered.

Lexa kissed Clarke’s check and smiled.  “ _Neither did I.”_

Clarke and Lexa only had a few minutes alone before Echo came to get them for the beginning of the feast.  

The feast was like nothing Clarke had every experience.  There was so much celebration, dancing, drinking, and food.  When Clarke tried to leave to take Irene back to the tent for bed, Lexa insisted that she let Echo watch over the child so that Clarke could stay. That was how Clarke found herself sitting in Lexa’s lap next to a large fire.  

“ _Dance with me?”_ Lexa asked, before kissing Clarke chastely.

“ _I don’t know Lexa.”_ Clarke turned to watch the dancing grounders.  Currently they were doing some sort of traditional dance that Clarke didn’t know.  “ _I don’t know these dances.”_

 _“I will teach you.”_ Lexa smiled and somehow stood them both up.  She grabbed Clarke’s hand and pulled her toward the dancing grounders.

As Clarke imagined, the dancing went horribly.  It quickly dissolved to hips grinding together and Lexa trying to pull Clarke closer. When Clarke felt Lexa’s hand brush her breast a moan escaped her.  “ _Maybe we should go else where?”_

Lexa moaned at the sound of Clarke’s voice, lower and raspier then it normally was and began to lead the blonde away from the crowds. 

Lexa stopped when they came to a clearing in the woods.  They were still close enough to Ton DC that they could see the fire and hear the merriment.  Lexa took in the sight of Clarke.  The light from the glowing trees reflecting off Clarke’s hair and made it more beautiful then all the other times Lexa had seen the trees glow. 

“ _We saw this our first night down.  Its so beautiful.”_ Clarke said before turning back to Lexa.

“ _You are more beautiful though,”_ Lexa replied, before pulling Clarke’s body close to her. “ _Are you sure about this?”_

 _“Yes.”_ Clarke said, pushing forward to capture Lexa’s lips and put her hands under her shirt.

Lexa responded quickly, pulling back long enough to pull her own shirt off before lying on the soft ground and pulling Clarke on top of her.  Clarke began to kiss her neck before Lexa could get Clarke’s shirt off.  “ _Clarke, take this off.”_

Wordlessly Clarke took her shirt off, revealing her prefect breasts to Lexa.  Lexa had never been so glad that Clarke decided against wearing bindings, at least until she was done nursing Irene.  Lexa sat up slightly so she could take one of Clarke’s nipples between her lips while she palmed the other breast.  Clarke began to work at removing Lexa’s binding while Lexa went back and forth between each of the blonde’s breasts.

The combination of the moans of pleasure escaping Clarke’s mouth and the feel of her now naked chest against Clarke’s was causing a heat to pool quickly between Lexa’s legs.  One of Clarke’s hands was tangled in Lexa’s hair while the other was playing with the waistband of her pants.  “ _Clarke, beja?”_

Clarke decided then and there she likely the sound of Lexa begging and slowly slipped her hand in Lexa’s pants.  She had only done this once before, with a girl on the Ark before she was imprisoned. Clarke whimpered when she discovered how wet Lexa was. “ _Lexa.”_

Clarke began to draw small circles around Lexa’s clit, eliciting more moans form the brunette.  Clarke gently laid Lexa back down on the forest floor, removed Lexa’s pants, and repositioned herself to allow her better access.  She kissed Lexa deeply while continuing to lightly circle her clit. 

 _“Beja, Clarke.  I need you.  I need more,”_ Lexa begged as Clarke began to slowly kiss her way down Lexa’s abdomen.  

Clarke smiled and moved her head between Lexa’s legs.  She pressed a fluttering kiss to Lexa’s mound before running her tongue through the brunette’s folds. She started to suck on her clit and trace her entrance with her fingers.  Only when Lexa begged again did Clarke finally sink her fingers into her.  She set a moderate pace with her fingers and matched it with the work of her mouth on Lexa’s clit.  With Lexa’s hands in her hair and the encouragement of the other girl's moansClarke increase the speed and pressure until Lexa was coming and screaming her name. 

As Clarke slipped her fingers out of Lexa she kissed the brunette softly on the cheek.  

When Lexa came down from her orgasm, Clarke had returned to straddling her.  She smirked and slipped just her fingertips in the waistband of Clarke’s pants.  “ _Take these off.”_

Clarke stood and obeyed before returning to her previous position.  Soon Lexa was passionately kissing her, and she was desperately trying to grind into the brunette, to find some much needed friction to alleviate the throbbing between her legs.

“ _I want to pleasure you while you use my face as your throne.”_ Lexa whispered after breaking their kisses.  “ _Do they do that on the Ark?”_

Clarke swallowed and nodded; of all the ways she imagined she might have sex with Lexa, that was not one of them.  Lexa smiled and laid back down, coaxing Clarke to move forward until her center was above her head. She wrapped her arms around the blonde’s thighs and positioned her so she could easily run her tongue through Clarke’s soaked folds.  Lexa began to tease Clarke with her tongue, swiping over her clit a few times before moving to trace her entrance.  “ _Lexa, I want to you in me.”_

Lexa smiled and pushed her tongue further into Clarke.  Clarke was grinding down on Lexa’s face, her clit bumping the brunettes nose, at the same time as Lexa worked inside Clarke.  The feeling of Clarke above her like this and sounds the blonde was making were enough to get Lexa wet again, and she found herself clenching her own thighs shut in a second orgasm as Clarke came apart above her.

Clarke made her way back down Lexa’s body and kissed her, tasting herself on the brunette’s lips.  She pressed her forehead against Lexa’s.  _“You are very good at that.”_

 _“As are you,”_ Lexa smirked, and kissed Clarke again.  _“As much as I want to stay here with you forever, we should head back to the celebration, before someone comes looking for us.”_

Clarke nodded and sighed.   Both girls got up and began to redress.  They made their way back to the festivities in Ton DC.  Clarke made her way to their tent to check on Irene, who would likely need feeding soon, and Lexa returned to the celebration.  If anyone noticed the two girls extended absence, they didn’t mention it. 


	13. Life Progresses as Normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Word of Clarke's child and the Commanders new relationship with the Skai Prisa travel to the clans. Lexa takes a step forward in her relationship with Clarke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Sorry about the delay with it being the end of the semester I am super busy. Having that said this will likely be the last update for at least two weeks. I simple won't have large enough chunks of time to write for this so sorry. 
> 
> Finally thank again to my lovely beta Captian_Firefly. <3
> 
> Hope you enjoy and Happy holidays!! <3

Life got a little more interesting for Clarke and Lexa when Irene learned to crawl.At first Clarke had been thrilled, but then she realized that this meant that Irene was always getting into trouble.Currently, Irene was sitting behind the furniture in the sitting area of the house, out of reach of Clarke. 

Mal laughed.“ _Lexa did the same thing when she was a baby.Always crawling away from her mother and I, hiding away.”_

Clarke smiled at the thought of a baby Lexa.She looked over the back of the chair at Irene.“ _Irene, don’t you want to come out and play?”_

Irene looked up and smiled before crawling out from behind the chair.Clarke picked up her daughter and kissed her check. “What am I going to do with you?” 

Clarke and Mal prepared lunch.Lexa was in meetings with other clan leaders all morning, and Clarke wanted to surprise her with lunch for her and the guests.After lunch was cooked and packed, Clarke gathered Irene, and she and Mal headed to Lexa’s planning tent.  

Ryder was standing guard outside the tent when they arrived.“ _Heya Ryder.I brought lunch for all.May I enter?”_

“ _Sha,”_ Ryder smiled, and nodded before pulling the tent flap open for Clarke and Mal to enter. 

Lexa looked up at the sound of someone entering the tent and smiled to see her small family standing in the doorway.  

“ _I thought I’d bring some lunch over for you and your guests,”_ Clarke said as she put the basket down on the table.  

“ _That was very kind of you, Clarke,”_ Lexa said, before turning to address the others. “ _We will break for lunch now. My… um... Clarke, has brought enough food for all, you may eat here with us or elsewhere if you wish.”_

 Lexa walked over and took Irene from her father.Irene smiled happily and rested her head on Lexa's shoulder.“ _Areyou hungry, youngon? Do you some food?”_

The two other clan leaders looked at each other, clearly confused as to whose child this was.Rumor of the Skia Prisa’s child had reached the closest clans, but no one really believed it, nor had they realized their Commander’s involvement with the child.  

Bran, the leader of the desert clan, was the first to ask. “ _Is this the Skia Prisa’s gufa?”_

Clarke smiled. “ _Yes, this is Irene, my daughter.”_

Bran nodded and watched as Lexa feed the child in her lap. Lexa addressed the unasked question without looking up.  “ _Clarke is staying with me, as you know, and I am helping her with Irene.”_

Echo laughed, earning a glare from Lexa and Clarke alike, which just caused her to laugh more. Clarke and Lexa had agreed not to disclose the details of their relationship for a little while, at least not until Lexa got a read on the opinion of the other clan leaders on Clarke and the baby.Echo pointed out on a daily biases that everyone in Polis knew about them, and most of Ton DC, so hiding it wouldn’t last long.Lexa often found herself reminding Echo that she was her Commander, and that in public she’d do well to remember her place.  

The clan leaders smiled.  Luna, the leader of the boat people, even joined Echo in her laughs.  “ _It is good to see you happy again Lexa.”_

Luna was another person who Lexa had known before she was called to be the Commander.Luna had been outspoken the few times they had seen each other after Costia’s death, arguing that Lexa couldn’t live in the past and needed to move on.  

“ _Thank you, Luna.I am most glad that the clans have found peace again.”_ Lexa answered.

Coda entered the tent then.“ _Clarke, I need you in the healers tent.”_

Clarke nodded and turned to Mal. _“Can you watch Irene for me?”_

 _“Of course,”_ Mal answered with a smile.

Clarke turned to Lexa.“ _I’ll see you later then.”_

Without thinking Lexa kissed Clarke.“ _Ain hod in yu.”_

Everyone in the room was quiet in that moment.Clarke smiled and kissed Lexa again.“I love you too,” she whispered.

Lexa felt her face redden.Of all the times that those words almost slipped out it had to be in a room full of people that she couldn’t stop them.She didn’t take her eyes off Clarke as she kissed Irene goodbye and told the child to be good for Mal before following Coda out of the tent 

“ _Is that the first time she’s said that to you?”_ Coda asked once outside the tent.

“ _Yes and no.She says it when she things I’m asleep.She tells Irene how much she loves me all the time.It has almost slipped out a few other times,”_ Clarke explained.

“ _This is big for her,”_ Coda said.

Clarke nodded. “ _I know.It's why I didn’t push her to admit it sooner.”_

Coda laughed.“ _She is so different than the stories I had heard, especially when you are around.”_

Clarke nodded.Lexa almost had two personalities, the Heda, all business and strength, and herself, soft and caring.Clarke recognized that she just showed different parts of herself at different times, but others, people who weren’t close to her, didn’t know how to react to the softer side of their Commander. 

“ _Why did you need me?”_ Clarke asked.

“ _Astrid is in with her children. Moria asked for you,”_ Coda explained as they entered the tent.

Moria was about a year older then Irene, her younger brother was just a few months younger the Irene.Lexa had introduced Clarke to Astrid, thinking it would be good for Clarke to have other friends in Polis, as well as for Irene to begin to interact with other children around her age.Like all the other children of Polis, Moria fell in love with Clarke, who she just called Prisa.“ _What hurts Moria?”_

The toddler pointed to her bloody knee. Astrid greeted Clarke.“ _She feel and cut it.Coda said he thought you could fix it better, the way they did in you old camp.It is deep.She was running outside with some of the other kids.”_

 _“I can do stitches.I will sew the skin back together.I will numb it first so it doesn’t hurt too much.Pulling the skin back together helps it heal faster.Is that okay with you?”_ Clarke had been working with Coda to improve their medical techniques, especially for injuries.Most people were skeptical of her Skaikru medicine, but more and more people were starting to come around.

Astrid hesitated but eventually nodded.Clarke set to work, using a traditional paste to numb the area before stitching the skin together.  

“ _You did good Moria.Most people would have cried.You are strong.”_ Clarke ruffled Moria’s hair and the girl smiled.“ _Keep it clean, but don’t scrub at it.Try not to let her pick at it.It will scar.”_

Astrid nodded and accepted a parcel of medicine to numb and clean the wound from Coda.“ _Mochof, Skia Prisa.Tell Clarke ‘Mochof’ Moria.”_

 _“Chof, Prisa,”_ Moria mumbled and buried her head in her mothers lap.

“ _You're both very welcome.Should I still bring Irene over for lunch tomorrow?”_ Clarke asked, knowing the prospect of a play date would cheer the young girl up.

“ _Sha,”_ Moria answered.  

Astrid nodded and picked up Moria. “ _Come youngin.Lets go find your brother.”_

Astrid and Moria left the tent, and Clarke sighed.  

“ _What’s the matter Clarke?”_

 _“Nothing Coda, just thinking about how different life on the ground is.If someone had brought a child with an injury like that to medical on the Ark the child would have been taken and the parents accused of neglect or abuse, but here it’s understood that accidents happen. Plus you are only allowed one child on the Ark. It's better here,”_ Clarke said with a smile.“ _I’m happier here, anyway.”_

 _“That’s good.You can go if you want.I don’t expect this evening to be busy.”_ Clarke nodded and bid Coda goodbye.

* * *

Lexa was in their room putting Irene down for a nap when Clarke got home.  Mal must have told Clarke where to find her because Clarke was waiting for her in the door way. 

 “ _I wasn’t expecting you to be home yet,”_ Clarke said, pulling Lexa close to her.  “ _It’s a nice surprise.”_

 _“I finished my meeting earlier then I thought I would,”_   Lexa said, before kissing Clarke softly.  “ _I meant what I said this afternoon, even if I didn’t mean to say it aloud yet.”_

 _“Me too, Lexa.”_ Clarke kissed Lexa again.This kiss was more heated then their last few.“ _I’m yours, you know that right?”_

 _“And I’m yours.”_ Lexa smiled and pushed Clarke against the doorframe to kiss her again.

Before long Lexa was grinding her hips into Clarke, who was still pressed against the doorframe.Lexa's hand rested just under the waistband of Clarke’s pants.She made eye contact with the blonde, silently asking for permission.Clarke nodded.“ _We have to be quiet.”_

Lexa smiled and kissed Clarke again as she slid her hand into her pants, having already unfastened them to give her more room to work with.She dipped her fingers into Clarke’s wet folds and heard her moan into the kiss.She quickly settled into a rhythm and brought Clarke to a climax, quieting the blondes whimpers and moans with kissed.Only when Clarke opened her eyes did Lexa remove her hand from her lover’s pants and lick her fingers clean.

As soon as Lexa’s fingers were way from her mouth Clarke's lips were on hers.Clarke carefully walked them backwards until Lexa made contact with the bed.Clarke pushed the brunette onto the bed and climbed on top of her.She leaned in and kissed Lexa chastely on the lips. _“You're beautiful.”_

Lexa smiled and kissed Clarke again.“ _So are you.”_

The sound of someone entering the house pulled the two girls back to reality just a few minutes later. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Irene continues to grow. Lexa returns to the azegada royal city.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. I am so so so sorry for how long this update took. There are varies circumstances that I won't get into in detail, but know that I am back with this fic now. Sorry again. 
> 
> Anyway. I hope the wait was worth it (I'll make it up in the next chapter I promise ;) ) Enjoy.

Clarke fiddled with the straps on the bag Lexa had given her to pack Irene’s belonging in. They were set to leave for the Azgeda Royal City at dawn. Lexa had explained that she couldn’t put off going much longer, that she needed to show her people, all of them, that her relationship with Azgeda was fixed. Lexa wanted to make the journey before the cold set in.

“ _You can stay in Polis if you would like, ain hodness_. _I would understand.”_ Lexa said as she stilled the blondes shaking hands.

“ _No, I want to come. I’m just… We will have to pass that village and…”_ Clarke started before Lexa interrupted her.

“ _And nothing. It wasn’t your fault. You are safe. I will be by your side the entire time if you choose to come.”_ Lexa comforted Clarke.

“ _I don’t think Irene could stand you being away from you that long.”_ Clarke laughed as she spoke. In the last few months Irene had grown very close to Lexa. Clarke leaned forward and kissed Lexa. “ _Nor could I.”_

Lexa sighed, wondering how she had gotten so lucky before pulling away from the blonde. “ _We should get going. The others are waiting for us.”_

* * *

After the nine day journey to the Royal City Clarke was glad to find herself in a room of the royal palace, laying in bed with her sleeping daughter. She smiled when she felt the bed dip as Lexa joined her in bed.

“ _Our welcome feast is starting soon. Coda will stay and guard the door while Irene sleeps if you want.”_ Lexa explained after kissing both Clarke and the young girl softly on their foreheads.

“ _No I will wake her, if not she will never sleep tonight.”_ Clarke muttered before beginning to wake Irene.

Irene’s first summer had come and gone and Clarke was amazed with how fast the little girl was growing. Mal had pointed out about a week before they left that she would begin talking soon. It was only a few days latter before she learned “no.” She had been walking for a few months now, introducing a whole new world of trouble for Lexa’s household. Clarke dressed the cranky child in her best clothes and followed Lexa to the banquet hall.

Clarke listened to the conversations around her during the feast. She was surprised by how many people her present, everyone who had traveled with them from Polis as well as at least as many people who lived in all of Ton DC.   Lexa had explained that most of Azgeda lived in the Royal City but Clarke had never realized just how many people that meant.

“ _Skai Prisa, I hope your room is to your liking? I wasn’t sure if I should have a separate room prepared for your gufa or if she would sleep with you and Heda.”_ Tasha said, all formalities in front of so many.

“ _Mochof Kwin Tasha. It is perfect. Lexa will learn to live with sharing our room with my daughter again for this short time.”_ Clarke responded causing Lexa to blush. Shortly after the celebration of Irene’s first summer Clarke and Lexa agreed that they should set up a room for Irene across the hall form theirs.

“ _I can have a second room made up.”_ Tasha offered with a smirk.

“ _No, that won’t be necessary.”_ Lexa muttered, face still red. “ _Did Irene eat enough, Clarke?”_

 _“Sha.”_ Clarke answered before turning to check on Irene, who was playing with some of the other children in the corner of the large room.

The rest of the evening went well. Lexa and Clarke mingled with Tasha, her advisers, and the people of Azgeda, and Irene played with the Azgeda children. Lexa smiled to herself. She never imagined she would be here, not like this.

It was growing late when Lexa felt small hands tugging on her pants; she looked down to see Irene looking up at her.

 _“Nomon.”_ Irene said with a smile as she gestured for Lexa to pick her up.

Lexa froze and only picked Irene up when she repeated herself, seeming annoyed at not having her wish granted sooner. “ _No, youngon. I am not your Nomon. Clarke is your Nomon.”_

 _“Nomon.”_ Irene repeated as she hugged Lexa.

Echo approached Lexa. “ _You look scared to death, Heda. What troubles you?”_

 _“Nothing. Irene learned a new word, but is using it incorrectly. I think it will upset Clarke.”_ Lexa muttered.

As if on cue Irene picked up her head and placed her tiny hand on Lexa’s check. “ _Nomon.”_

 _“No, I’m Lexa. Say Lexa, youngon. Beja.”_ Lexa pleaded.

“ _NO! Nomon.”_ Irene said stubbornly; if Lexa weren’t so worried she would have found the whole thing adorable.

“ _Lexa, please say Lexa.”_ Lexa tried again to coax the child in her arms to say her name.

“ _Lex, why are you begging Irene to say your name?”_ Lexa jumped when she heard Clarke’s voice behind her.

Lexa opened her mouth and closed it again looking form Clarke to Irene, who smiled and rested her head on Lexa’s shoulder. “ _Nomon.”_

Irene’s voice was quite and for half a second Lexa thought that Clarke didn’t hear but one look at Clarke’s fallen face told her otherwise. Clarke turned and hurried out of the room. Lexa handed the child to Echo to rush after Clarke.

“ _Clarke wait. Stop.”_ Lexa reached out and grabbed Clarke’s arm. The blonde girl turned and faced her, tears filling her eyes. “ _It doesn’t mean anything.”_

“Don’t lie to me, Lexa. She thinks you are her mother. You. I carried her and gave birth to her. I nurse her. I spend most days at home caring for her or take her with me where ever I go. But you bring her nice things from the market, you sneak her sweets before dinner after being away all day, and she loves you more for that.” Clarke snapped, anger forcing her into her first language.

“She knows you are her mother, Clarke.” Lexa said, trying her best to sooth Clarke’s worries. “She loves you so much.”

“Yet she calls you mother, not me.” Clarke’s voice was softer when she finally spoke again.

Lexa pulled the girl into a tight hug, at a loss for words. After the stood they’re in the hallway for a few more minutes, Clarke pulled away.

“I’m sorry. I’m being stupid. I know that she knows these things, and that your involvement in her life would be confusing for her, but I just expected when she learned that word that she would use it to refer to me.” Clarke said having finally calmed down.

“I know. One of the other kids probably said something. We will correct her. I am not her mother.” Lexa said glad Clarke was seeing reason.

“But you are more to her then anyone else in my life. You are mine, and I am yours but what does that make you to her?” Clarke asked.

It was a good question one Lexa fear her people would start to ask soon. She was toeing the line with Clarke and Irene. It was one thing for the Commander to take a lover, but to take a love, who she treated as her equal who had a child, a child whose life she was actively involved in, that was another thing entirely. “I am not her mother.”

“But in way you are. I mean you take care of her, and you love her. For god’s sake Lexa, you are helping raise her.” The realization that Irene wasn’t confused hit Clarke like a brick wall. “Oh my god, you’re her mother. 

Lexa furrowed her brow. “Well all those things are true of you as well, plus she came form you womb. 

Clarke laughed at the odd phrase causing Lexa to open her mouth as if to speak. “Yes but family is more the blood Lexa.”

Lexa conceded. “So she calls us both ‘Nomon.’ Won’t that get confusing?”

“Sha. She can call me mom or mama. Something in English; that is my first language after all, and I want her to learn to speak it. It makes sense that she refers to you in your native language and me in mine.” Clarke said. “Now come lets go find our daughter.”


	15. Something cheesy about happiness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Naming these is getting harder and harder, so I'm just going to leave it as this half-assed note to myself. Sorry (Not sorry) Also warning this starts with smut so if that's not your thing skip until after the page break (Note there isn't actually a time jump there I just included the break to separate the smut form the fluff). 
> 
> Hope you enjoy.

“Lexa.” Clarke moaned and tightened her grip on the other girl’s head between her thighs.

Lexa hummed against Clarke’s clit eliciting another throaty moan from the girl above her. The brunette slipped two fingers into Clarke while she continued to circle the girl’s clit with her tongue, reveling in the sounds the blonde was making.

“More, please Lex.” Clarke begged, as Lexa was moving her fingers agonizingly slow. Lexa smirked and started to move a bit faster, matching the pace of her fingers to the pace of her tongue. “Yes. Lexa, don’t stop.”

Lexa didn’t plan on stopping, but she didn’t plan on letting Clarke cum so quickly either. She shifted her fingers so that her fingers tips hit Clarke’s inner walls just shy of that perfect spot. She continued this until she felt Clarke begin to move in an attempt to re-angle Lexa’s fingers. “ _What is the matter, hodness?”_

“Fuck, Lexa. I just need you to fuck me, stop teasing me.” Clarke said as she pushed Lexa’s head further into herself.

Lexa sucked on the blonde’s clit and moved her hand just so, the sounds Clarke made in response were well worth it. Lexa added a third finger and began to increase her pace until she felt Clarke’s thighs tighten around her head and heard the muffled screams Clarke let out as she came. She didn’t stop her ministrations as she worked Clarke through a second organism, the only thing that stopped her from giving her lover a third was Clarke pulling her head from between her legs and crashing their lips together.

Clarke made quick work of flipping them and pinning Lexa to bed. She slotted her thigh between the brunette’s legs and ground down slowly, moaning into Lexa’s mouth when she felt how wet the other girl was. “ _You’re always so wet for me. Fuck, Lex.”_

Lexa could only moan in response as Clarke began to place kisses on her neck and chest, sucking and biting as she went. She was so focused on the actions of the blonde’s hot mouth that she didn’t feel Clarke moving her hands to her center until Clarke pressed down on her clit, causing Lexa to gasp loudly. “ _Clarke.”_

 _“Yes, love. What is it you want?”_ Clarke teased stopping all motion to look Lexa in the eyes.

 _“Please don’t tease.”_ Lexa begged, somewhere deep in her mind she knew it wasn’t far to tease Clarke then not let her tease her in return, but she was far to turned on to think that clearly at the moment.

Clarke didn’t respond before returning her mouth to Lexa’s breast and beginning to slowly circle the girl’s clit. It wasn’t until Lexa was a whimpering mess below her that she finally sank her fingers into the brunette’s slick center. It wasn’t long after that Lexa was coming just as loudly as Clarke had. When Lexa came down from her high Clarke caught her eyes before licking the evidence of Lexa’s organism from her fingers.

Lexa watch Clarke with wide eyes as the girl straddled her hips and kissed her deeply. 

* * *

 

“ _We should get moving. Luna is expecting us.”_ Clarke muttered against the brunette’s lips. They were in the capital of the boat people’s land for a few days before they returned to Polis, as Lexa had promised Luna she would visit. “ _We wouldn’t want to keep her waiting, again.”_

 _“She would understand.”_ Lexa sighed and she absent-mindedly ran her fingers up Clarke’s back, content to ignore her responsibilities for the time being.

“ _Aden will be upset if he misses an opportunity to ask the great Lexa about being a warrior.”_ Clarke teased. Aden was Luna’s younger brother, who idealized Lexa, who was like a second sister to the boy. Clarke was in awe of the relationship between the two of them, at first she had been oddly jealous, not used to Lexa giving so much of her attention to someone other then her and Irene, but she quickly changed her mind. It was nice to see Lexa in such normal situations.

 _“Maybe I will give him advice on getting that girl he clearly likes.”_ Lexa mutter.

 _“Lex, you have no authority in that area.”_ Clarke laughed.

“ _Hey. I got you didn’t I?”_ Lexa shoot back.

“ _Yeah, I guess you did. But you half to admit, you were a lovesick idiot form the beginning.”_ Clarke rolled off of Lexa and started to get dressed.

“ _Well, you’re the one who fell for it.”_ Lexa defended and placed a chaste kiss on Clarke’s cheek.

 

The two girls continued to tease each other until the heard a knock at the door.

“ _Luna sent me to tell you that diner is ready. Plus your daughter is asking for you.”_ Echo called through the door.

Clarke opened the door. “ _We are ready.”_

Echo led Lexa and Clarke to the dinning area where they found Luna, Aden, and Irene waiting for them.

 _“Heda and Skia Prisa honor us with their presence.”_ Aden teased when they entered, old enough to understand that had they not been sent for they would not have bothered to come to dinner, but no old enough to fully understand why.

Lexa blushed and responded with a inside joke, words that meant nothing to anyone other then the two of them.

“ _Enough, Aden. Lets eat.”_ Luna said smiling. Aden and Luna’s relationship was still a little odd to Clarke. Luna was about twice as old as Aden, by Clarke’s rough estimation. She knew that Aden’s mother died in childbirth and that they shared only a father, but what happened to him, or Luna’s mother Clarke didn’t know. At times Luna seemed to play the roll of mother to Aden, other times she was just as carefree with him as Lexa was. The families she observed on Earth opened her eye’s to just how limited the Arks views on families truly were.

The small group, family really, ate and made conversation. Aden told Lexa and Clarke all about the day he had showing Irene around the village and trying to teach her boat people games. Clarke invited Aden to come visit them in Polis whenever he wanted, more then glad to encourage the relationship between him and Lexa as well as him and Irene. Luna promised to bring Aden with her on her next visit to Polis, much to both his and Lexa’s happiness.

After dinner the group drank and continued their merriment. Echo and Luna told stories of Lexa’s youth, with Clarke and Aden hanging on their every word. Aden and Irene tried showed the adults the dance he had spent the day trying to teach the young girl, though she was far more interested in playing with the frayed carpet, much to Aden’s frustration.

That night Clarke followed Lexa, who was carrying a sleeping Irene, to bed with a smile on her face, amazed with all the happiness that could be found on the same Earth that she had once only seen pain and suffering in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to written Aden into this (because he is one of the only good things to come out of season 3.) so since I haven't touched the whole "Commander Succession" issue yet I decided to also give him the childhood he deserves. I hope you like what I did with his character.


	16. As time moves forward, changes occur.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa have a very important conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off I would like to apologize for this taking a ridiculous amount of time to post. I had a very hectic summer and didn't really have time to write. But now that I am back in the swing of things at school I will work on it more and try to up date as regularly as possible. 
> 
> Anyway hope you enjoy!!

The first news Clarke got of her people was accidental. She was searching the guesthouse for Lexa and overheard Indra giving Lexa an update on Camp Jaha.

 _“The camp grows bigger. Other people have come to join them, and they have added a few young ones to their numbers. The do not venture out of their walls for space to live or plant. Small hunting parties, usually lead by Octavia or Lincoln leave the confines of the camp in search of food.”_ Indra reported. “ _They are surviving well.”_

 _“And they don’t pose a threat to Ton DC?”_ Lexa asked.

“ _No, they avoid our boarders.”_ Indra answered.

“ _Then we will continue to let them live in peace. Someday, when Clarke is ready, she and I will invite her people to join mine, and we will become one people.”_ Lexa said. 

Clarke smiled at the thought, and turned to leave as Indra changed the topic of conversation. For the first time since leaving Camp Jaha after the battle of the mountain Clarke put serious thought to her people. She was by no means ready to see them again, but the thought that Lexa wanted them to join her people meant a lot to her. It got her thinking about other unions as well.

* * *

As Irene approached her second summer, she proved to be a curious child. She was always getting herself into trouble and asking questions. She also started to make more friends when she was out with her mothers. All-in-all she was a normal happy child, which was more then Clarke could have every hoped for.

Clarke and Lexa were sitting on the beach watching Irene lead a small group of children to the waters edge. “ _She is so much like you”_ Lexa observed.

“ _What makes you say that?”_ Clarke asked, she thought she saw much more of Lexa in the girl then she saw herself.

“ _She is a natural lead, like you. I was taught to lead. Not you, you were forced to be a leader to your people because they needed one and there was no one else.”_ Lexa explained.

“ _As were you. Its not like you choose to become Commander.”_ Clarke pointed out. 

“ _True but from a young age I know I was destine for this, that I could be called to lead. And as a result I was trained for it.”_ Lexa responded, deep in thought. “ _But you learned as you went and are still a better leader then I am, in many ways.”_

Clarke didn’t respond and frowned. She hardly thought of herself as a good leader, so many had died on her watch, and she turned her back on her people.

As if Lexa new what Clarke was thinking Lexa spoke again. “ _Leaving doesn’t make you a bad leader, they didn’t need you. It was never a position you wanted, and the passage of leadership is very different among your people. Clarke, you did what you though was right, and they are still surviving. Do I think they would welcome you back yes, but your leaving didn’t hurt them. Staying would have been awful for you, I know that. You did what you had to do. You can always go back.”_

After a moment Clarke finally spoke again. “ _You think they would let me come back?”_

Lexa frowned. _“Yes. And I would support you if that is the descision you feel is best for you and Irene.”_

 _“Lex, I would never leave you, not perminately at least. Would I maybe like to visit them again someday, yes. But my place is along side you. Besides I couldn’t take Irene away from this, not to return some place I was never happy.”_ Clarke said, sensing that Lexa thought she meant to take Irene to Camp Jaha and never return.

“ _You could visit when we are in Ton DC this fall.”_ Lexa suggested.

“ _I don’t know. So much has changed, for me and for them. And there is so much I need to tell them all. Fall is a difficult time, with the need to prepare for winter; I don’t want to take focus away from that. I know that you mean to invite them to join the Coalition, now that it is strong again. And I think that they should make that decision when there is not the pressure of how will we prepare for winter, when they can think it through more. It will give me time to get myself ready, and them more time to come into their own identity as grounders before we add yours into the mix.”_ Clarke said and nodded, satisified with that plan.

 _“Next summer then? After the whether clears.”_ Lexa said.

* * *

About a month passed and all was normal.  Polis was preparing for winter and Lexa was planning a finally trip to Ton DC before winter set in.  Clarke was drawing in the living room while Irene played with a toy Mal had got her at the market a few days before. Lexa was sitting in the big chair watching her little family and wonder how she ever got so lucky. 

Clarke looked up and Lexa and hesitated before speaking. “Do grounder have marriage, I don’t know the Trigedasleng word if you do?”

“I am unfamiliar with that term.” Lexa stated, clearly confused.

“Is a union between to people, who promise to be together and love each other no matter what.” Clarke explained.

“Yes we have a bonding ceremony, two souls are bound for the remained of this life at the very least. Most believe that the binding will carry on into the next life to help the souls find each other again.” Lexa responded, sticking with English for ease of understanding.

 _“And can the Commander have this?”_ Clarke asked, switching back to Trigedaslend, Lexa’s language.

“ _Sha, though it is rare.”_ Lexa said quietly.

 _“I never wanted that on the Arc, but here, with you, there is nothing I want more. I want the whole world to recognize you fully as Irene’s mother. I want there to be no doubt about the fact that we are a family any more. I know that there still is, and I know that it shouldn’t matter. That you love me and Irene and that we are as good as a family, but I want that next step.”_ Clarke said.

Lexa kissed Clarke deeply. “ _I want that too, ain Kwin.”_

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry (not really) to ruin what was a relatively serious opening chapter by making an Avatar the last air bender reference but it had to be done.
> 
> Other then that hope you enjoy!!!
> 
> p.s. as of 10.18.2015 I now have an amazing beta, Captain_Firefly, who is truly wonderful. (Thanks for everything you do.) So I will be re-posting chapters as they are beta-ed as well as continuing to post new chapters. Sorry for any confusion this may cause.


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